World Wrestling Insanity

The Decline and Fall of a Family Empire

By James Guttman, Michael Holmes

ECW PRESS

Copyright © 2006 James Guttman
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-55022-728-4

Contents

Acknowledgements,
Introduction,
Looking for Fault in All the Wrong Places,
All Hail the Quad King,
McMahonifest Destiny,
Galoogore Comes to Greenwich,
To the Hunter Goes the Spoils,
Reality Bites,
How to Beat Up the New Guy,
Trust No One,
The Legend of Johnny Laryngitis,
Perverts, Racism and Other Funny Concepts,
Smart Marks Work the Kayfabed Babyfaced Heel Heat,
What I'm Trying to Say Is,
Insanity Extras,
Insanity Contributors,

CHAPTER 1

Looking for Fault in All the Wrong Places

There's an old adage when it comes to the world of professional wrestling: For those who enjoy it, no explanation is needed. For those who don't, no explanation will do.

The world of sports entertainment remains a mystery to those who choose to shun it. In many ways, it also remains a mystery to those who follow it. The intrigue behind wrestling is so complex that it's almost impossible to explain without going into detail. While someone who enjoys television sitcoms is someone who enjoys comedy or someone that watches action movies strays toward excitement, professional wrestling isn't so black and white. The industry as a whole wears many hats. It can appeal to those who like anything from comedy to drama, athleticism or romance and every other genre imaginable. For the most part, there's something for any taste within the confines of the squared circle. Chances are even if you've never watched a wrestling program in your life, there's something that's been done somewhere at some time that you would enjoy.

That's not to say that sports entertainment succeeds in each and every case. In fact, sometimes it falls flat on its face. In the last few years, it seems to constantly be falling on its face.

Why? Well, that's not so easy to blame on one thing. It's a cavalcade of errors that have all lead to the slow sinking of World Wrestling Entertainment's ship.

What's World Wrestling Entertainment? That's WWE. World Wrestling Entertainment? Still have no idea what I'm talking about? I'm talking about the WWF. It changed its name. Ohhhhhh. Now you get it.

Most people have no idea that it's no longer the World Wrestling Federation. A 2004 article in The Source magazine actually sported the huge headline, "Is Hip Hop the Next WWF?" It featured this headline two years after WWE had changed its name.

In a MTV news brief awhile later, pop singer and on-again off-again nutcase Mariah Carey repeated this headline, complete with the "WWF." It became apparent that this whole name change thing didn't take so well.

With the World Wildlife Fund forcing a name change, Vince McMahon had no choice but to alter his long-standing company's initials. When doing so, he adopted the phrase "WWE— Get the F Out." It was witty. Sadly, most of its audience took the advice and decided to do just that. They started to get the F out ... in droves.

So now that we know the name of the company we're talking about, let's talk about its problem. Is it nepotism? Is it ego? Is it lack of competition? Is it gremlins? What can we blame the rise and fall of World Wrestling Entertainment on? There's a ton of possibilities, many of which will be explored in the upcoming pages.

Before doing so, though, it's important to understand the excuses that WWE gives for its woes. It's also important to point out why those excuses don't hold any water. After all, you can't find something's real problem until you clear the air of fake reasons spun to keep people with egos from taking a fall.

It's always amazed me how WWE can spout off so many reasons for why its business is down. For some reason, it always gives the same answers when people complain about its product. There's a ton of phony reasons, and fans, eager to find an explanation as to why the industry they love doesn't excite them anymore, are lining up and taking numbers to buy the lies. Step right up. Let's hear 'em:

WWE Excuse: It's hard to come up with six hours of original television each week. No one else has to do this. Other shows do half an hour. We do six. Off our case, Pizzaface.

That's a classic World Wrestling Excuse. It has to do six hours of TV every week. The number ranges, but always hovers well above two. WWE tells us to be understanding. Filling that much time is tough. This, of course, begs one question.

Well, who the hell told you to do six hours of original television each week? What kind of backward mentality is that? I don't recall people petitioning for six hours of new wrestling programming each week, do you?

It's as if I decided to write a 200-page book every day for a year. I burn myself out in a big way trying to fill all the pages and come up with original material. Inevitably, I would hit creative pitfalls. It's natural. There's no possible way to write award-worthy material each time you sit at a keyboard, no matter who you are. That's understandable.

Yet, if people complained, I wouldn't turn around and scream, "Do you know how hard it is to come up with 200 pages of original work each day? Other writers don't have that luxury! They don't write that much! Just me!"

This would of course be followed up with, "Well, uh, why the hell do you do 200-pages of original work each day?"

The answer, of course, would be that I want to make more money. If I do 200-pages of writing a day, I have 200-pages a day of new stuff to sell. That's why WWE does so much television each week. They don't do it because someone passed a law mandating they produce more TV time than sitcoms and reality shows. They don't do it because they have such an abundance of creative thought that they need to get it out. They don't do it because they like you.

WWE does it because they want to sell us as much as they can. So they write as much as they can. Of course, they hit creative pitfalls. When they do, they lash out. You people are so demanding! Our stories aren't exciting, but that's because we're working overtime to fill paper so you buy more stuff! We could do less and make it more exciting, but then you won't give us as much money! That's why we're doing six hours each week! Do you people know how hard it is to provide six hours of filler so that we can sell more ad space? God, people want everything nowadays!

We should mention that this company, which complains about the frequency of the shows it has to script, emails out two company newsletters each week.

One, entitled Between the Sheets, consists of your regular old company stuff. It has a section that recognizes top employees as "WWE Champions" each week. It spotlights featured office workers and lists various info about the current on-air product. No big deal. It's what you'd expect.

The other is called The Weekly Buzz. This one includes information on competing television programs, business news and current hot products in their target demographic. Uh ... OK. Gotcha. It makes sense really. When scripting storylines about gay rape and necrophilia, it's important for the writing team to know what type of sneakers the young people are wearing.

Is there anything wrong with two weekly newsletters? No. I'm just saying that if you can't handle the workload with television writing each week, just cancel the newsletters. That's five less pages each...