The Power of Forgiveness

Why It’s Good to Forgive Your Friend, Your Boss, Your Family and Everyone Who Hurts and Betrays

By Janise Beaumont

Allen & Unwin

Copyright © 2009 Janise Beaumont
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-74175-767-5

Contents

1 Don’t Get Mad. Get Even,
Part One DON’T GET MAD … GET EVEN,
2 Queen of Mean,
3 Payback, or Let It Go,
4 Sometimes Forgiveness Finds YOU,
5 When You Lose Everything,
6 Victim No More,
7 From Riding High in LA … to Rock Bottom,
8 Picking Up the Pieces,
9 Forgiveness Can’t Be Faked,
10 Is Revenge the Ultimate Orgasm?,
Part two MIRACLES HAPPEN,
11 Miracles Happen!,
12 Forgiving Doesn’t Have to Mean You’ll Be Best Buddies,
13 We All Have Unfinished Business,
14 Being Stuck in Non-Forgiveness,
15 When Work is Hell,
16 Happiness is the Best Revenge,
17 End of the Affair,
18 Happy Endings Against the Odds,
19 Secret Romance in a Wardrobe,
Part three IT’S OFFICIAL …,
20 It’s Official: Forgiveness is Good for You,
21 Starting Over,
22 Wired For Bliss,
23 Don’t Leave Your Song Unsung,
24 When Someone Wants You Dead,
25 Fake It ’til You Make It,
26 Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff,
27 Forgiveness Poster Boys,
28 Great Suffering, Followed by Forgiveness,
29 Losing at Love, and Still Coming Out a Winner,
30 When Loves Goes Bad — Get Over It!,
Part Four FORGIVING YOURSELF,
31 Forgiving Yourself … That’s the Tough One,
32 When Family Life is a Battlefield,
33 Take a Chance: Step Outside Your Comfort Zone,
34 Woman in a Million,
35 Life Beyond Revenge,
36 Conditional Forgiveness,
37 Hurting Like Hell, But Forgiving Anyway,
38 Joy At Last!,
39 The Forgiveness Diet,

CHAPTER 1

DON’T GET MAD. GET EVEN

* * *

I’m guessing here, but I figure hate is a bit like heroin. Both make you feel fabulous for a time, then they start to eat at you from the inside out. Eventually, the chances of you reaching your full potential are in danger of being shot to bits. The joke is, while you continue to loathe and despise someone long after the event — say the girl or guy who beat you to a lead role in a school production of Grease — you’re only hurting yourself, while the bitch who played Sandy, or the creep who shone as Danny, is probably enjoying life way more than you.

There’s great magic in learning to forgive. So get with the program and learn to bless the friend who caused you to sob into your pillow all those years ago when you were robbed of your moment in the spotlight.

This is no easy task — not if you’re someone like me, who could have easily won Gold in the Olympics if hating had been an event. I had a great mentor in hate in the early days. Amanda taught me that ‘If you wait long enough, you get your moment’ — meaning that the chance for revenge will come, and will be just as sweet, even if a couple of years have gone by. ‘Patience is the key to karma’, Amanda explained … and she was not advocating easing up on resentment while you put your life on hold. You weren’t supposed to stop longing for that golden opportunity to arrive, to balance the books, not for a moment.

So I moved it up a notch and on to a much more spiritual plane, and my mantra became: Get even, and then forgive. Now I was in the zone where it’s much easier to absolve a cheating boyfriend if I first sneaked into his apartment and cut the sleeves off his new Hugo Boss jacket: get busy with the scissors, then face the dreaded f-word.

My mantra became: Get even, and then forgive.

I’ve never told this to anyone, but there was a guy I dated for only a few months as eventually he began to appal me with the way he regarded women as little more than Barbies. When we broke up, I prayed his next girlfriend would dump him, as he had dumped me, and that this would be my satisfying retribution. When this did indeed happen, for a nanosecond I felt a warm glow from the news, then felt kind of empty. But as God is my witness, I never went as far as hiring a professional to break the kneecaps of any lover or boss who had wronged me, as is the way in Hollywood movies. A plan that could backfire spectacularly had no place in my schemes. I was more of a passive-aggressive payback princess.

Someone I went to school with told me once: ‘Boys don’t hold grudges like girls do. It’s one of their great strengths.’ Her comment struck me right in the gut, because it allowed me to see for the first time that forgiving and moving on is what sets us free. Boys make up, forget the whole thing, and are soon back having fun together, while girls who fall out can be hell-bent on vengeance. So I wonder, who are the smart ones here?

CHAPTER 2

QUEEN OF MEAN

* * *

When I was working for a paper in London, I lived with a Fleet Street journalist. The relationship ran hot and cold on my side. I was the queen of mean, treating him badly on a regular basis, knowing all along that he loved me very much. I could have been kinder; I realise that now. I was then blown away with the classy way he farewelled me at the airport. As he hugged me for the last time, I admitted with regret that I had been a piece of work, often hurting him. He replied: ‘But it was worth it. I’d do it all again.’

He truly wasn’t angry with me, and he wasn’t going to hold a grudge. I found his grace and generosity inspiring. I settled into my seat on a plane bound for New York, vowing to try to ditch the rage I carried for a stack of men and women in my past. And here’s the weirdest part: as I looked out the window, watching London airport fade from view, I actually remembered several people I’d been refusing to forgive for so long that I couldn’t remember what they’d done to make me hate them so much. For all I knew, it had been a misunderstanding — and yet I went on loathing them, using up all that energy for no good reason.

By the time the flight attendant handed me my second gin and tonic, I promised myself I’d try and get smart. I was crazy! I suddenly had a vision of me as a shrivelled-up old prune by forty if I didn’t develop the knack of bouncing back from disappointments and doublecrosses.

Interestingly, a test came my way the next weekend. I was staying with a couple in Connecticut. Another old friend had flown in from San Francisco, so the four of us were looking forward to a fun couple of days together and things got off to a great start, but fell part in the worst way.

It all began with a silly conversation. We were attempting to outdo each other with stories about rude shop assistants in high-end boutiques (à la Julia Roberts’s experience in Pretty Woman). Our hosts, Mike and Cindy, had hilarious anecdotes to share, then it was my turn: ‘You all remember Dan who I used to go out with? Well he told me about going into the Gucci store on Rodeo Drive and having a snooty sales clerk look down her nose at him as he was checking out the leather belts, so he hit back with: “Listen: don’t dare treat me like that. You probably got the bus to work!”‘

Then out of the blue I remembered something else and I turned to Cindy.

‘By the way, I had letter from Dan just before I left London. He said to be sure and pass on his regards. He also asked me tell you that he still takes girls to LA for the weekend, but now he marries them first.’

You’ll just have to take my word for it, I truly hadn’t seen anything hidden deep in this message at the time of reading Dan’s letter — not until I saw the look on Cindy’s face. In that instant I realised she must have once secretly gone to LA for the weekend with my boyfriend, when I was still in love and lust with him.

She raced off to the rest room and I followed her. Between sobs she yelled: ‘Thanks for ruining my marriage.’ Turns out that, despite her past denials, Mike had always had a suspicion about her having an affair with Dan, and now I’d inadvertently confirmed it.

I was upset I’d created havoc in leafy Connecticut, but more than that, I was overwhelmed at discovering Dan and Cindy had cheated on me. While I was regularly confiding in her about me and Dan, she’d snuck off with him for a dirty weekend. I had been betrayed big time.

That evening was pretty frosty all round, but in the morning Cindy and I both happened to get up early and we made our peace in the kitchen, with her swearing they hadn’t had sex during the now-infamous weekend away. Yeah, right.

I suddenly had a vision of me as a shrivelled-up old prune by forty if I didn’t develop the knack of bouncing back from disappointments and doublecrosses.

In the immediate aftermath of finding out about their fling, I thought I was making a pretty good fist of forgiving. But down the track I realised I was still wounded and furious. Being deceived is the thing I like least in life. It took a few years before I let go of wanting to punish Cindy and Dan. Sadly they were wasted years in one sense; I’ll never get them back.

CHAPTER 3

PAYBACK, OR LET IT GO

* * *

I guess I’m a very slow learner when it comes to the big stuff. Thankfully I’m no longer an advocate for holding grudges. My new mantra is: Happiness is the best revenge. It beats the hell out of payback.

Okay, so forgiveness can help set us free. But we’re all flawed. We won’t always succeed right off the bat — either because our hearts aren’t yet in the right place or because the person we want to forgive tells us to hit the road.

There are times when you’ll fail at forgiving, but there’s something to be said for doing your best.

A few years back I was doing a personal development course. During one session we were encouraged to think of someone who had wronged us, then to go home and ring them, announcing that all was forgiven. One young woman on the course selected her ex-husband, expecting a warm response. The ex had always ridiculed her interest in things such as reincarnation, likening her derisively to new-age screen icon Shirley MacLaine, who I and my friends all love to hate as Julia Roberts’s cranky neighbour in Steel Magnolias when that classic movie comes up on cable TV. So she gets on the phone and goes, ‘Hi, it’s Melanie. I’m doing this personal development course and we’ve been told to think of someone we need to forgive and then make contact. I just want to say that I forgive you for all the terrible things you did to me when we were together.’ Her ex burst out laughing and simply said: ‘See you in the next lifetime, Shirley,’ then slammed down the phone. Gee, you don’t think he might have resented the fact that she was putting the emphasis on his short comings?

I can’t recall who I chose, but I have a dim memory of being almost as unsuccessful. But you know what? I now figure that life’s too short to beat up on yourself if the other party says ‘get lost’ when you attempt to clear the decks — or if you realise with a sinking heart that you still have work to do before you can let go of past hurts. But why not at least try forgiveness to clean the slate? There’s nothing to lose.

As a young journalist, I timidly asked famous feminist, Germaine Greer, if she ever reacts to situations because of her early conditioning, rather than to what she now knows about women’s rightful place in the world. She replied: ‘Oh, I do that all the time — but half the joy is in the struggle.’ I mention this because Germaine’s approach could well be useful. There are times when you’ll fail at forgiving, but there’s something to be said for doing your best — and that your best is quite simply good enough.

CHAPTER 4

SOMETIMES FORGIVENESS FINDS YOU

* * *

I know what you’re thinking. Someone with my history of sticking the knife in and turning it has no place writing a book about forgiveness. But better me than someone who’s never been tempted to do anything but turn the other cheek. At least I’m well placed to compare the angst of hating with the relief of letting it go. Here’s how this project came about.

Not so long ago, I met up with a friend for a casual breakfast. I think of her as my guardian angel. Well, that’s what she is — an incredibly spiritual and evolved human being, always with a comforting word and wise advice when the chips are down (which is not infrequent in my case). Even though there are great gaps of time when we mightn’t see each other, I know she always sends me positive thoughts for my higher good.

When we meet, I suddenly start raving on about the importance of forgiveness. She works in publishing, and next I’m telling her she should commission someone to write a book on this subject because it could transform lives. She likes my suggestion; then when I get home something shifts in me. Along with becoming more enthusiastic about the idea by the minute, I feel increasingly territorial. I want to write it. I need to be the one to write it and, furthermore, drama diva that I am, I suspect I might just die of sadness if she gives the job to someone else. That’s how much I long to do this. So I email her to that effect.

She soon reports back with interest from her company, then the whole thing goes on hold while she attends an international book fair. While she is gone I have an encounter that absolutely convinces me I am the one to write this book. It happens, of all things, at a medical appointment.

I needed to see a skin specialist. I remember Dr Adrianna Scheibner, who I hadn’t seen in years, not since I interviewed her when she was riding high with her laser dermatology practice in Beverly Hills, California. At the time she had a wide range of patients, from Hollywood A-listers to kids who wanted to leave the gang lifestyle and their tattoos behind them.

Born in Czechoslovakia and raised in Australia, Adrianna earned a high profile for ground-breaking techniques to rejuvenate skin, as well as doing magical work correcting birthmarks, scars and stretchmarks, and erasing tattoos. She was a leader in her field and was invited to the US to teach her techniques there. Dr Arnold Klein, the highly-esteemed dermatologist in Hollywood, asked Adrianna to set up her practice near his office in Beverly Hills. He then introduced her to plastic and reconstructive surgeons and specialist physicians. Soon there were days when Dr Klein alone would refer as many as ten new patients to her. Adrianna’s practice grew beyond her wildest imagination.

In this super-specialised field, she reached the pinnacle of success. As one newspaper article described her: ‘Laser guru to the stars and a saviour to children and teenagers with disfiguring birthmarks or gang tattoos.’ She was ecstatic, and completely engrossed in this artistic science. Then several years later the unthinkable happened.

This young, beautiful, talented, wildly successful doctor suffered a spectacular fall from grace and it was as though she vanished into thin air … until a winter’s day when I needed to see a skin doctor.

Someone told me she was in practice again after a forced period in the wilderness. It took a lot of persistence to find out where her new premises were but then, finally, I secured an appointment. She walked into the waiting room and looked at me in utter surprise.

‘Do you remember me?’ I asked. She beamed: ‘Finally!!! It took the universe some time to bring you to me! I have been looking for you for over a year. When I couldn’t find you, I literally prayed for the universe to please bring you back into my life. I am not quite sure why I had this incredible urge, but we’ll soon find out. I assure you, it’s no coincidence you came here today.’

CHAPTER 5

WHEN YOU LOSE EVERYTHING

* * *

Adrianna was cheated out of her money, reputation, and ability to earn a living by the finance professionals who were supposed to be looking after her interests. They embezzled her funds. She lost everything, and was reduced to living in a small car.

The enormity of the betrayal was spectacular — their grand finale being to arrange to have the media spotlight focused on Adrianna for all the wrong reasons. In a city where only winners have any currency, Adrianna was now seen as the loser of all losers. I had been greatly saddened at the time to read of her crash from a great height.

As we talked, I got on to my pet subject of forgiveness and the proposed book. Adrianna’s face lit up:

But that’s my story! It’s all about forgiveness. The rewards of true and complete forgiveness are so enormous and so spectacular that if I’d known this, I’d have done it much sooner. And what’s more, if everyone understood what they’d get if they truly forgave whoever has wronged them, they’d do it immediately, no matter how great the wrong. The result of even ten percent of the population truly forgiving would be nothing short of a complete transformation of the entire world as we know it! Can you imagine a world in which people are genuinely happy and living to their full potential? I can, and it can happen in our lifetime if someone explains how forgiveness works — and that someone is apparently you.

It was quite a moment, although one in which I seriously wondered whether I’d prove equal to this task, as envisaged so eloquently by Adrianna. I couldn’t wait to share this development with my publisher on her return.

Contract signed, I decided to begin this adventure by interviewing Adrianna. I was attracted to the extremes of what had happened to her — being so spectacularly successful and then embezzled and shamed and losing so much — and how the act of forgiving her abusers had allowed her to rise from the ashes, better than ever. I set off by asking about those who harmed her and she was very frank, saying the truth is she harmed herself.

At the time I wasn’t aware that it was the sum total of all the thoughts stored in my subconscious mind that attracted the people who manifested my greatest fears and aspirations. Nobody did anything to me I didn’t permit them to do.

We all bring a whole cauldron of thoughts and concepts with us, even as infants. What we do with this incredibly huge reservoir of accumulated thoughts and counter-thoughts determines what happens to us.

The concept I had to get over was being a victim of betrayal. I re-enacted this right through my life. I had this expectation at some deep level that people would betray me — so they did.

I just looked at her and said ‘Wow!’ I was shocked, not just because of what she had said but because the reality of it clicked for me too. That had also been my way of viewing the world.

If everyone understood what they’d get if they truly forgave whoever has wronged them, then they’d do it immediately, no matter how great the wrong.

I moved my chair closer to hers and asked Adrianna to continue.

It’s as though our minds act as a movie camera inside our heads. We project this to the world out there. Those actors who can match the script of our own movie are then drawn to us. They walk into the frame, and manifest the very things we believe. Because we’re not aware our own thoughts determine what happens to us, we think it’s other people who are evil and harm us. The real enemy and the only enemy is within. No-one can do anything to us unless we give them permission. By giving this permission we give others power over our lives.

(Continues…)Excerpted from The Power of Forgiveness by Janise Beaumont. Copyright © 2009 Janise Beaumont. Excerpted by permission of Allen & Unwin.
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