Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD, is the director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition and is on the faculty at the University of Colorado Medical School’s department of family medicine. He is a regular contributor to Living with Loss magazine and the author of Healing Your Grieving Heart, The Journey Through Grief, and Understanding Your Grief. He lives in Fort Collins, Colorado.

Transcending Divorce

Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart

By Alan D. Wolfelt

Center for Loss and Life Transition

Copyright © 2008 Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-879651-50-0

Contents

Also by Alan Wolfelt,
Title Page,
Copyright Page,
Dedication,
Introduction and Welcome,
Touchstone One - Open to the Presence of Your Loss,
Touchstone Two - Dispel the Misconceptions About Divorce and Grief,
Touchstone Three - Understand the Uniqueness of Your Divorce Experience,
Touchstone Four - Explore Your Feelings of Loss,
Touchstone Five - Recognize You Are Not Crazy,
Touchstone Six - Understand the Six Needs of Divorce Transition,
Touchstone Seven - Nurture Yourself,
Touchstone Eight - Reach Out for Help,
Touchstone Nine - Seek Integration — Not Resolution,
Touchstone Ten - Appreciate Your Transformation,
The Divorced Person's Bill of Rights,
Acknowledgments,
ALSO BY ALAN WOLFELT,

CHAPTER 1

Touchstone One

Open to the Presence of Your Loss

"In every heart there is an inner room, where we can hold our greatest treasures and our deepest pain."

Marianne Williamson

You are going through or have experienced a divorce. In your heart, you have come to know deep pain. From my own divorce experience as well as those of thousands of people I have companioned over the years, I have learned that we cannot go around the pain that is the wilderness of our grief surrounding lost love. Instead, we must journey all through it, sometimes shuffling along the less strenuous side paths, sometimes plowing directly into the dark center.

In opening to the presence of the pain of your divorce, in acknowledging the inevitability of the pain, in being willing to gently embrace the pain, you in effect honor the pain. "What?" you naturally protest, "honor the pain?" Crazy as it may sound, your pain is the key that opens your heart and ushers you on your way to eventual healing and transcendence.

You see, it is impossible to accept what you have not faced. You cannot integrate what you have not grasped or felt. The struggles that accompany divorce cannot be avoided. As difficult as it is to do, you must squarely face your pain.

In many ways, and as strange as it may seem, this book is intended to help you honor the pain that comes with your divorce. Even if you are the one who initiated the divorce, pain accompanies the experience. Honoring means recognizing the value of and respecting. It is not instinctive to see grief and the need to openly mourn your divorce as something to honor, yet the end of your marriage brings about a necessity to mourn. Honoring the grief surrounding your divorce is not self-destructive or harmful; it is self-sustaining and life giving!

"If we resist the pain of ending, we skirt the opportunity for initiation."

Thomas Moore

You have probably been taught that pain is an indication that something is wrong and that you should find ways to alleviate the pain. In our culture, pain and feelings of loss are experiences most people try to avoid. Why? Because the role of pain and suffering is misunderstood. Normal thoughts and feelings after losses of any kind (divorce, death, etc.) are often seen as unnecessary and inappropriate.

You will probably learn over time that the pain of your divorce grief will keep trying to get your attention until you have the courage to gently, and in small doses, open to its presence. The alternative — denying or suppressing your pain — is in fact more painful.

Denial — not admitting, actively trying to forget, not letting yourself know or recognize a difficult truth about yourself and your divorce experience — is a psychological position that most of us who have walked this walk have needed to use at some point in the journey. Denial protects us from the pain of loss and the need to mourn. But denial is a temporary time-out and ultimately can become far worse than facing the pain that comes with divorce loss. Actually, when you get stuck in denial that your marriage has ended (or is ending), it represents a spiritual compromise, a disability that limits your potential growth and transcendence on every level.

I have learned that the pain that surrounds the closed heart is the pain of living against yourself. You run the risk of withdrawing and experiencing greater isolation and aloneness. A closed heart renders you unable to love and be loved by those who are available and willing to surround you in unconditional love. So, I invite you to choose courage and face any denial surrounding your divorce. For behind your denial hides a beautiful, radiant spirit, a new, whole, conscious self just waiting to face the truth, to finally be born. As we just get started on this journey together, I want to begin by welcoming you to what can and will become a new, hope-filled world. This is the kind of world that awaits you.

What is Healing?

To heal literally means to become whole again. Healing is the process of integrating your grief into your self and learning ways to live your changed life with fullness and meaning. Experiencing a new and changed "wholeness" requires that you engage in the work of mourning. It doesn't just happen to you; you must stay open to that which has broken you for healing to begin.

Healing is a holistic concept that embraces the physical, emotional, cognitive, social and spiritual realms. Note that healing is not the same as curing, which is a medical term that means "remedying" or "correcting." You cannot remedy your grief, but you can integrate it into your life. You cannot correct your grief, but you can heal it.

You have a choice. Yes, you can choose to allow yourself to remain open to the pain. As an ancient Hebrew sage observed, "If you want life, you must expect suffering." Paradoxically, it is the gathering of the courage to move toward the pain that ultimately leads to healing your wounded heart. By being willing to engage your feelings and honor the truth in them, you are being true to your authentic self.

In part, this book will encourage you to be present to your multitude of thoughts and feelings, to "be with" them, for they contain the truth you are searching for, the energy you may be lacking, and the eventual unfolding of your healing and transcendence. Oh, and keep in mind, you will need all of your thoughts and feelings to lead you there, not just the feelings you judge as acceptable. For it is in being honest with yourself that you find your way through the wilderness of your divorce and identify the places in you that need to be healed. Yes, grief and mourning are critical ingredients in the life and unfolding of your soul.

EXPRESS YOURSELF: Go to The Transcending Divorce Journal, p. 7.

Dosing Your Pain

While this first Touchstone seeks to help you understand the role of pain in your healing and eventual transcendence, I want to make sure you also understand that you cannot embrace the pain of your divorce grief all at once. If you were to feel it all at once, you might feel overwhelmed and unsure that you could survive. Instead, you must allow yourself to "dose" the pain — feel it in small waves then allow it to retreat until you are ready for the next wave.

As you stay present to your pain that comes with the experience of divorce, you will be participating in "soul work," which will eventually...