Alan D Wolfelt Ph.D. serves as director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition. He writes the ‘Children and Grief’ column for Bereavement Magazine and has appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show, Larry King Live, and Today. He is the author of Healing Your Grieving Heart, Healing a Teen’s Grieving Heart, and Understanding Your Grief. He lives in Fort Collins, Colorado.

Companioning the Grieving Child Curriculum Book

Activities to Help Children & Teens Heal

By Patricia Morrissey

Center for Loss and Life Transition

Copyright © 2013 Patricia Morrissey, M.S. Ed. and Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-61722-185-9

Contents

Foreword by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D,
Acknowledgments,
Introduction,
How to Use This Book,
NEED ONE: ACKNOWLEDGE THE REALITY OF THE DEATH,
NEED TWO: EMBRACE THE PAIN OF THE LOSS,
NEED THREE: REMEMBER THE PERSON WHO DIED,
NEED FOUR: DEVELOP A NEW SELF-IDENTITY,
NEED FIVE: SEARCH FOR PURPOSE AND MEANING,
NEED SIX: RECEIVE CONTINUED ADULT SUPPORT,
Icebreakers,
Books, Games, and Other Resources,
About the Author,

CHAPTER 1

NEED #1:

Acknowledge the reality of the death

This first need of mourning involves gently helping children or teens face the reality that someone they love or care about will never physically come back into their lives again.

* * *

Whether the death was sudden or anticipated, acknowledging the full reality of the loss may occur over weeks and months. To survive, children or teens may try to push away the reality of the death at times. They may discover themselves replaying events surrounding the death and confronting memories, both good and bad. This replay is a very important part of this need of mourning. It’s as if each time they talk it out, the event is a little more real.

This need of mourning, just like the other five that follow, may intermittently require attention for months. Remind the children or teens to be patient and kind to themselves as they work on facing the reality of the deaths.

The activities in this section are designed to assist children and teens in telling their stories about the deaths of the people who died and understanding the concept of death. As the facilitator, you will be answering their questions truthfully and helping them know and understand their grief rights.

Companioning you in the first need of mourning is the great spangled fritillary. This butterfly represents the reality that, after metamorphosis, a butterfly cannot return to being a caterpillar, just like children and teens must acknowledge the reality that someone loved has died and their lives will never be the same again.

Remember to always think of the activity as the secondary task to accomplish for the group. The first task is to get the group members to express their grief and connect with each other. The game or activity is just a medium through which these tasks may be accomplished.

AGE GROUP:

Early Childhood

I Heard Your Daddy Died

GOAL:

To get to know the children in your group and have them talk briefly about the deaths and their stories

ACTIVITY:

1. Ask each child his or her name, who died, and how he or she is feeling about the death. Is there anything else he or she would like to share about the death?

2. Read aloud the book I Heard Your Daddy Died. Take time and talk about the pictures when you are reading the book out loud.

3. Ask the following questions after reading the book:

• What feelings have you had after the death?

• How are feelings of sadness shown? How have you shown that you were or still are sad?

• Is it OK to be lonely or angry? When have you felt this way? What things can you do when you are lonely or sad?

• Do you have special memories of your mommy (or daddy, brother, or sister)? What things can you do to keep these memories?

• Where do you think whoever died is? Is he or she in your heart?

4. Hand out the “I Heard Your_Died” memory sheet. Have the kids complete this sheet using colored pencils and then share their answers.

MATERIALS:

I Heard Your Daddy Died by Mark Scrivani, available from the Centering Corporation
Copies of the “I Heard Your _____ Died” worksheet
centerforloss.com
Worksheets.pdf
Pages 1 – 3
Colored pencils

Gentle willow

Young children wonder what happens when someone is dying or has died. This is very normal and deserves a truthful answer.

GOAL:

To help young children grasp the concept of death and dying by looking at what happens in nature

ACTIVITY:

1. Discuss with the group what they think death is. Write down each of their ideas on a large sheet of paper.

2. Read aloud and discuss Gentle Willow.

3. Discuss how Little Tree helped Amanda and how Amanda helped Gentle Willow.

4. Look back at their paper and see if they want to add any other words.

5. Ask the children what kind words and actions were expressed to them after the deaths.

6. Make little trees with the children using brown and green clay.

7. When they have made their trees, ask them what words they might want to hang on their trees that are words of kindness, such as nice, love, smile, hugs, kisses, listen, hope, etc. Use magnetic poetry words and wire to attach these to the trees. Alternately, you can write the words on small pieces of paper and attach them with wire or string.

8. Ask the children how they think their trees might be used for themselves and others.

MATERIALS:

Large sheet of paper
Markers
Gentle Willow by Joyce C. Mills, available from Amazon
Brown and green clay
Magnetic poetry words or small pieces of paper
Magnetic wire or string

Grief Sock Puppets

It is difficult for many young children to talk directly about death. It may be easier for them to open up through indirect methods.

GOAL:

To use puppets to ease the fear of talking directly about death and allow the children to express their thoughts

ACTIVITY:

1. Before your session, make sock puppets for each child, following the directions on the next page.

2. Before reading Lifetimes with the children, talk about how insects, birds, plants, fish, and people can only live one lifetime. Some live short lives and others live long lives.

3. Read aloud Lifetimes.

4. Discuss the beginnings (births) and endings (deaths) that all living things have. Can the children give examples of living things that have a short lifetime or a long lifetime? Some examples may be that some insects only live a few hours or days or that birds can live from one or two to 50 years or that people can live a few hours or 100 years.

5. Using the puppets, encourage a discussion of one of the following topics:

• Reactions to being told of the deaths.

• Last memories of the people who died.

• How the children are feeling tonight.

• Special memories with their loved ones.

MATERIALS:

Lifetimes by Bryan Mellonie, available from Amazon
One colored sock per child (the thicker the better)
Needle and thread
Two clothespins
Two Ping-Pong balls per puppet
Markers
Glue, preferably hot glue
Black felt
Yarn
Scissors

INSTRUCTIONS:

1. Thread the needle and tie thread in a knot. Put the sock on your hand with your fingers in the toe and the back of your wrist at the heel. With your hand in the shape of the letter ‘C,’ push the toe of the sock between your fingers and thumb, toward your palm.

2. Mark the cheeks with the clothespins and hold them in place by stitching an ‘X’ into each cheek. Remove the clothespins.

3. Put the sock back on your hand and mark where you want the eyes to be with a marker. Remove the sock and hot glue your Ping-Pong balls onto the sock where you marked it.

4. Cut two small circles out of felt for the pupils of the eyes. Hot glue these onto the Ping-Pong balls.

The Wonder of Butterflies

Butterflies are an ideal way to explain that death is a part of life since the average lifespan of a butterfly is about a month.

GOAL:

To explain the concept of life and death using the metamorphosis of a butterfly

ACTIVITY:

1. Read aloud and discuss My, Oh My — A Butterfly!: All About Butterflies.

2. Show them the “Life Cycle of a Butterfly” handout and talk through a butterfly’s lifespan, highlighting that most butterflies live and die within a month. (For more information about butterflies, visit www.kidsbutterfly.org.)

3. Make tissue paper butterflies with the children, following the instructions below.

4. When the butterflies are completed, ask the children what these butterflies are going to represent to them. How can these butterflies help them with the deaths of their loved ones?

MATERIALS:

My, Oh My — A Butterfly!: All About Butterflies (Cat in the Hat’s Learning Library), available from Amazon
“Life Cycle of a Butterfly” worksheet
centerforloss.com
Worksheets.pdf
Page 4
Five-inch squares of different colored tissue paper
Pipe cleaners
String or fishing line
Wire hangers

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Stack two tissue squares, then trim the edges to resemble wings.

2. Fold the pipe cleaner in half over the wings, as shown, bunching the tissue slightly.

3. Twist together the pipe cleaner ends to hold the paper in place. Then curl the pipe cleaner tips around your finger or a pencil to create antennae.

4. Tie one end of the string or fishing line to the pipe cleaner body near the head and the other end to a wire hanger. With another piece of string or fishing wire, tie one end to the tail of the body and the other end to the wire hanger.

AGE GROUP:

Elementary

How I Miss My Loved One’s Sight, Sound, Touch, Smell, and Foods!

When someone loved dies, a child misses every part of this person — what he or she looked like, sounded like, felt like, smelled like, and even some of his or her favorite foods.

GOAL:

To acknowledge and remember the person who died through the child’s five senses

ACTIVITY:

1. Talk with the children about the people who died.

2. Have the children fill in the different senses on the “Missing the Five Senses” worksheet with words and pictures about what they miss most about each sense when they think about the people who died. Encourage the children to share some of what they wrote with the rest of the group.

3. Read aloud and discuss the book When I Miss You.

4. If time remains, play the game Sense A Bility.

MATERIALS:

Copies of the “Missing the Five Senses of My Loved One” worksheet
centerforloss.com
Worksheets.pdf
Page 5
Colored pencils, crayons, or markers
When I Miss You by Cornelia Maude Spelman, available from Amazon
Sense A Bility game, available from Amazon

I Have So Many Questions

When children ask questions about death, it is sometimes difficult to know how to respond. There are no “perfect” answers — the most important thing is to answer the children’s questions as patiently and gently as possible and to understand that their concerns and reactions will be different from yours. Expect to have to repeat the answers over and over again and to provide details if a child asks for them.

GOAL:

To provide children with a safe place to ask questions about death and receive answers

ACTIVITY:

1. Ahead of time, print out “Children’s Questions About Death” and the “I Have So Many Questions About Death” game board and glue them to index cards and construction paper, respectively.

2. Read aloud Where Do People Go When They Die?.

3. Discuss with the kids some of the questions they have about death.

4. Hand out one game board to each child.

5. The youngest person begins the game.

6. Roll one die and advance that many spaces. When they land on a space, they must follow the directions on the space (if any) and read a facedown card. The question should first be answered by the player and then opened up to the other players. If a child cannot answer a question, then allow another child to answer for him. As a facilitator, add additional information or questions when appropriate.

7. The person who has exactly the correct die number to reach the end is the winner.

8. If time permits, shuffle the question cards and play the game again.

MATERIALS:

Where Do People Go When They Die? by Mindy Avra Portnoy, available from Amazon
Copies of the “I Have So Many Questions About Death” game board worksheet
centerforloss.com
Worksheets.pdf
Pages 6 – 7
Colored 9″ × 12″ pieces of construction paper
Glue
“Children’s Questions About Death” worksheet
centerforloss.com
Worksheets.pdf
Page 8
Index cards
One game piece for each child (try using pieces from Monopoly, Sorry, the Game of Life, or other games)
One die

If Only …

Many times when children experience the death of someone loved, they feel that “if only” they had done or not done something, the person would still be alive. This feeling of guilt may be intermingled with all the other myriad feelings associated with grief.

GOAL:

To help children acknowledge that the death was not their fault and help allay some of the feelings of guilt they may have

ACTIVITY:

1. Talk about the experience of the death of their loved ones. Gently ask about and discuss the feelings of “if only.” Be aware that not all of the children will have this feeling.

2. Read and discuss What to Do When You Worry Too Much: A Kid’s Guide to Overcoming Anxiety from the What to Do Guides for Kids.

3. Talk openly with the children about how worrisome feelings can grow.

4. Talk about butterflies as a sign of hope. Explain that they are going to make a sun catcher butterfly so that if and when they are feeling guilty about the death, they can look at this butterfly, highlighted by the sun, and remind themselves that it’s not their fault.

5. Use the instructions found on spoonful.com to create sun catchers with the children.

MATERIALS:

What to Do When You Worry Too Much: A Kid’s Guide to Overcoming Anxiety by Dawn Huebner, available from Amazon
Directions for making Butterfly Sun Catchers, available from spoonful.com/crafts/butterfly-sun-catcher
Tissue paper in several colors
White glue
8½” × 11″ black foam sheet (black construction paper or cardstock can also be used)
8½” × 11″ heavy white paper
Pencils
Scissors
Clear tape or fishing line
Googly eyes (optional)

Water Bugs and Dragonflies

For children, acknowledging the death of a loved one may take weeks or months. This only happens when the child has had opportunities to talk out and play out the circumstances of the death.

GOAL:

To encourage children to talk and play out the circumstances of the deaths

ACTIVITY:

1. Talk with the children about the circumstances of the deaths of their loved ones. Encourage other group members to ask questions.

2. Read aloud and discuss the book Water Bugs and Dragonflies by Doris Stickney.

3. Hand out the coloring books or pages, allowing the children time to paint or color the pictures.

4. End this session by playing the Doggone Grief game.

MATERIALS:

Water Bugs and Dragonflies by Doris Stickney, available from Amazon
“Water Bugs and Dragonflies” coloring books, available from barne-sandnoble.com or print free coloring pages of dragonflies from online
Watercolors, colored pencils, crayons, or markers
Doggone Grief game, available from Compassion Books

AGE GROUP:

Teens

Acknowledging the Death for Teens

SIX NEEDS OF MOURNING AND MY GRIEF RIGHTS

GOAL:

To introduce teens to the “six needs of mourning” as well as “My Grief Rights” to help them better understand the death of their loved ones and their rights in mourning

ACTIVITY:

1. Before the meeting, create the game board. You may want to decorate it a bit more and can add to it, if you wish. Print out the “Six Needs of Mourning” questions and glue each to an index card.

2. If this is the first meeting of the support group, allow each teen to share his or her story about the death of his or her loved one. Allow the teens the choice to pass.

3. Hand out copies of “Understanding Your Six Needs of Mourning for Teens” and explain each of the needs.

4. Play the Six Needs of Mourning game. Using one die and a game piece for each person, have the oldest person in the group begin.

5. After rolling the die, the player moves forward according to the number on the die.

6. Each time she lands, she must draw a card and try to answer it. Place the answered card on the bottom of the pile.

7. The person who has exactly the correct die number to reach the end is the winner.

8. Hand out “My Grief Rights: Ten Healing Rights for Grieving Teens.” If time permits, go through this handout. If not, ask the teens to read it at home, letting them know that you will talk about this at the next session. (Wallet cards of “My Grief Rights” can be purchased from centerforloss.com/bookstore.

MATERIALS:

Copies of “Understanding Your Six Needs of Mourning for Teens” worksheet
centerforloss.com
Worksheets.pdf
Pages 9 – 10
One “Six Needs of Mourning” game board worksheet
centerforloss.com
Worksheets.pdf
Page 11
“Six Needs of Mourning” game questions worksheet
centerforloss.com
Worksheets.pdf
Page 12
Index cards
Glue
One die
One game piece for each teen (try using pieces from Monopoly, Sorry, the Game of Life, or other games)
Copies of “My Grief Rights: Ten Healing Rights for Grieving Teens” worksheet
centerforloss.com
Worksheets.pdf
Page 13

Autobiopoems of Myself and My Loved One

(The session before this one, ask each teen to bring in some objects and pictures that are about them and some that remind them of the person who died.)

Most teens accept the reality of the death on an intellectual level, understanding what happens physically when a person dies. Full acceptance on a “head” and “heart” level, though, can often take weeks or months.

GOAL:

To help teens move toward fully accepting the reality of the death on an emotional, or “heart,” level

ACTIVITY:

1. Talk about the similarities and differences between each teen and the person who died.

(Continues…)Excerpted from Companioning the Grieving Child Curriculum Book by Patricia Morrissey. Copyright © 2013 Patricia Morrissey, M.S. Ed. and Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.. Excerpted by permission of Center for Loss and Life Transition.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.