Surviving DREADED Conversations

Talk Through Any Difficult Situation at WorkBy DONNA FLAGG

The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.

Copyright © 2010 The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-0-07-163025-2

Contents

Chapter One

From Dread to Said

There are, and always will be, things that we have to do whether we want to or not. For many, going to work is one of those things. Yet while liking work may be debatable for some and even unthinkable for others, not everyone hates his or her job. However, for most people in most workplaces, there are things that no one enjoys, such as having to have difficult conversations, communicate negative messages, and deliver bad news. These are the tête-à-têtes that come with the territory of working in today’s workforce that we’ve learned to dread with every fiber of our being. They keep us up at night worrying because we know we need to have them. We have no choice. Meanwhile, we put them off for as long as we can. We cringe at the thought of having to utter the words that we know must be said and wonder how we will ever muster up the courage to look someone in the eye and “tell ’em like it is.” We do not want to do it. But there is no way out.

It could be a manager who has to inform an employee that he no longer has a job or a sales executive who has to deliver the news to senior management that she angered a client and, as a result, lost the company its biggest account. But it could also be something much smaller in magnitude, for there are plenty of less significant and more mundane conversations that happen every day which are capable of creating as much dread as “the big ones.” For example, I recently had someone tell me that he would rather die than tell his coworkers that their lunches were rotting in the refrigerator. It was so simple—he just wanted them to toss out their moldy sandwiches. But he remained silent because he froze somewhere in between not knowing what to say and not knowing how to say it.

If you think about it, though, this makes perfect sense. Lots of people struggle with how to assemble words in a way that make negative sounding messages sound, well … not so negative. So, naturally, if people are afraid to say what they think and feel because they don’t know how in the first place, then of course it stands to reason that they would shy away from the awkwardness that comes from trying something new and unfamiliar. But the problem with choosing silence over words is that you deprive yourself of an opportunity to learn. So then the question becomes “How will you learn if you don’t practice, and how will you practice if you are paralyzed by fear?” Particularly within work environments where individuals are measured, rewarded, and potentially penalized for every little thing they do, it is understandable that employees would be less apt to take the risk and try merely in the name of honing their skills. So the cycle just goes round and round, while we go nowhere.

The bigger problem, however, is that long before we get into the workforce, life simply has not provided us with sufficient opportunities to practice telling people the things that they do not want to hear. Well, actually, it does, but for some reason our society dictates that those opportunities should be ignored because somewhere along the line someone decided that the truth hurts more than a lie. It’s beyond ridiculous, but it stuck. And now, like it or not, we’re left to deal with dodging, procrastinating, sugarcoating, eschewing, soft-pedaling, and, yes, dreading conversations that should otherwise be straightforward and easy to have.

The point is that by holding back what we have to say, we hold ourselves, our relationships, and our organizations back, too. Words need to move. Words need to flow. If we allow ourselves to be verbally constipated by a belief that speaking the truth is bad, then bad is what we will indeed get. But it doesn’t have to be.

Learning a New Language

Learning to wrap words around difficult messages is no harder than learning a new language. In fact, it’s easier because you don’t have to start from scratch. Rather, you just need to adapt the language you already know and use it differently. Think of it this way. Your brain and your mouth are your hardware. These are the operational components that must work together in order to code and generate language. Then you have your thoughts and words that make up the software, or application, which converts the language into a process of communication. And lastly is the inclusion of the human voice and heart, which together bring emotion into the discussion. This is perhaps the hardest and most complex part about carrying out a difficult conversation successfully, because emotions running high are what most often deteriorate the integrity of a conversation. However, emotion is also the only thing that separates us as humans from machines. So having no emotion doesn’t work either because a lack of feelings and a robotic, mechanical attitude will come across as cold, heartless, and uncaring.

All told, like muscles that get stronger and bodies that become more agile when they are “activated,” verbal dexterity and mastery with words can be cultivated when individual hardware is coordinated, software is exercised, and emotions are balanced. In a way, it is similar to attaining physical fitness, but instead, here it is about training yourself to be healthy in conversations so the dread doesn’t get the best of you and the chances for a positive outcome are greatly increased.

This assumes, however, that your perception of what qualifies as positive is in perspective. If, for example, you are afraid of what another person’s reaction will be, or are vested in the outcome ahead of time, chances are that you will experience higher levels of anxiety than those who aren’t afraid or vested in anything when it comes to having to broach an unpleasant subject with a coworker. Why? Because fear of something outside yourself that you cannot control creates the kind of stress that will paralyze you and the conversation.

Frankly, I think that an excessive amount of focus has been placed on the “other person” in dealing with difficult conversations, which has turned the topic into one that is almost exclusively limited to conflict and confrontation. But that’s wrong. To assume that disagreement is what makes a conversation difficult is to speak only to those people who fear clashing with another and want to avoid a dispute at any cost. Yet in truth, there are plenty of people who not only like conflict, but thrive on it. So it is not sufficient to link dread with conflict because while conflict stimulates some and argument intrigues others, dread is dread for everyone. In other words, it doesn’t matter how another person reacts because these conversations are not dependent on the behavior of someone else. Rather, the success or failure depends on you.

The reality is that the really tough and most dreaded conversations have more to do with the inherent intrapersonal challenges that come with having to say something that is awkward, uncomfortable, unpleasant, potentially hurtful, and just plain yucky than they do with interpersonal discord. So, while conflict in difficult conversations is typically positioned as a game in resolution and the ability to influence another person, surviving dreaded conversations, for the purpose of this book, is about resolving and influencing yourself.

Trial by Fire

It’s been the result of having spent many years in business and experiencing plenty of uncomfortable, and even painful, conversations along the way that I came to the conclusion that if you worry about what might happen or what someone might do or say, you create the kind of barrier that can be difficult, if not impossible, to overcome. Instead, if you concentrate on what needs to be said and figure out the best way to say it for you, then not only can you survive what seems an insurmountable task, but you can actually do it well.

Specifically, this view came into focus for me during one of the most horrifying moments of my career. Here’s what happened. I worked for a cosmetics company managing a territory of stores up and down the East Coast. My boss informed my West and Central counterparts and me that we were to promote our top producers who sold our products for our retail partners in key markets around the country. This meant removing them from the stores’ hourly payrolls and creating salaried positions with us. There was one stipulation, however. Before we could move everyone into the higher-level, higher-paying jobs, each person had to find his or her own replacement. So that’s what they did, because remember, they were our best and brightest.

After about four weeks had passed, we got another call. This time it was from the CFO. Apparently he’d miscalculated the cost of his plan. We were then instructed to go back through our territories and tell the superstars whom we’d handpicked, promoted, and showered with accolades that we had made a mistake. Now, not only were we “unpromoting” them, but we—correction, I—had to tell them that they had done such a good job replacing themselves and we had done such a poor job budgeting that we had nowhere for them to go. Oh, my gosh—talk about dread. I was stupefied. We all were. There was absolutely no way I could sit down at the same table where I’d praised and rewarded these people only to fire them a mere few weeks later. But I had to do it. I had no choice. Uggghhh. I was sick. So, so sick. In retrospect, though, I did learn something important about the ins and outs of getting through a dreaded conversation.

Since I basically had to say the same thing six times, I saw that while reactions varied from anger, hate, hysteria, betrayal, tears, and silence to crippling shock, the message I delivered remained the same. What had to be said, had to be said regardless of what happened next. All I could do was (a) tell them what happened and (b) explain how I felt. What also became very clear with each grueling round was that I got better and better and it got easier and easier. So I bit the bullet, dropped the bomb, and then sat as still as I could, holding on to the arms of my chair, waiting for the emotional storms to pass.

Needless to say, the positive and productive relationships that I’d cultivated with my direct reports were blown to smithereens in an instant. I went from being their well-liked boss to the worst one they ever had. The trust was gone. Their respect for me was gone. And everything we’d worked to build together as a team was gone. They hated me.

Now, I realize that everything about the situation I’ve described is exactly why conversations of this nature are so dreadful. Understandably so. And it was. I will say, though, that this was also the one on which I cut my teeth because, like batting with a donut on the end of a bat, everything that came after was easy in comparison. But what makes this story interesting, beyond what it taught me, is that I received a letter from one of those employees ten years after the fact. It was from the one who took it the hardest and despised me the most, or so I thought at the time. I know, like a parent, we’re not supposed to have favorites, but I did and she was one of mine. A most talented, gifted, and creative woman, I remember feeling particularly nauseated having to let her go.

The letter came in a box with something else nestled in burgundy tissue inside. Along with a most touching, heartfelt letter, there was a doll that she’d made and named Donna, after me. Admittedly, at first my partner, Patty, and I assumed it had to be a voodoo doll. We tossed the box and rummaged through the tissue searching for long straight pins that we were sure had to be in there. After all, when this employee and I had that final conversation, she had refused to speak to me. Did I mention how terrible I felt? Anyway, it turns out that “Donna” was among a collection of handmade dolls made in honor of women whom my former employee admired. She described her recollection of me as a mentor. Not a monster. She didn’t hate me after all. In fact, it was quite the opposite. I couldn’t believe it.

Looking back I realize that there were things I did and said of which I was totally unaware at the time but that have proven to be effective—things like getting to the point but not rushing, allowing the humanistic part of me to show through without getting too personal and blaming no one else for what I had to say. I made no excuses. Today, albeit years later, I also believe that these are the reasons why this story ended on such a positive note.

On this, I have one last point with regard to timing. If you are the one with a dreaded conversation before you and it is serious in nature, as I was in the example above, be sure that you take responsibility for it and start the dialogue yourself. Do not have the person on whom you need to land the bad news be the one to approach you. Otherwise you lose the opportunity to set up the conversation properly, which is the single most important thing because it sets the tone for what follows. Translation: the more you avoid it and procrastinate, the more you chip away at your chances for success and increase the odds that your conversation won’t go well.

On the other hand, sometimes you may dread talking with someone about something, but the matter is not pressing, the need to discuss it is not imminent, and it is not a do-or-die situation. Then it can pay to wait. A thoughtful pause may serve as a useful strategy if you want to let the discussion come up naturally, when a conversation can then organically unfold. It’s a judgment call, but either way, you’ll no doubt learn as you go.

Speaking of learning as you go, this book is not intended to prepare you for a battle, nor is its aim to analyze difficult conversations to death. No, not by a long shot. Rather, this book is to show you how to “get it out” in place of trying to “work it out.” It’s important to know, however, that there can be no success without practice. So, if you are not willing to move beyond the thinking level and start doing, then the best advice I have before you go any further is to return this book and get a refund! It will not help you on a cognitive level alone. Surviving dreaded conversations is dependent upon taking action as well.

Chapter Two

Healthy Heads, Healthy Hearts, Healthy Words

As I embarked on the process of writing this book and began talking with people about what types of conversations they dreaded and why, I was overwhelmed by the pattern that emerged. It was surprising, at least to me, how many said that they didn’t like to discuss anything “negative.” But what was outright shocking were the things that they considered too taboo, off-limits, or forbidden to talk about. For example, one man was unable to tell his assistant that complaints were coming in from clients about her bad attitude. Another person told me he couldn’t approach one of his direct reports with questions about a dubious charge on an expense report. Someone even said that she couldn’t ask his boss to stop yelling at her in meetings. And there were more. One man couldn’t tell his office mate that she spit all over him when she talked, and a manager did not have the courage to request that her male colleague refrain from staring at her breasts when she spoke to him.

That’s when I realized that dread is not something as over-arching or generic as I thought, but rather, and more specifically, it is an emotion tied directly to individual perceptions of negativity. Maybe so, but I happen to come at this from a completely different angle. Mainly, I don’t believe that telling someone what you think or how you feel is negative in any way. In fact, on the contrary, I think it’s extremely positive. Crucial even. Therefore, in my mind’s eye what makes or breaks the ease with which a dreaded conversation is possible rests somewhere between the personal choices we make and the individual mind-set we bring to it.

Now, we’ve already established that it’s not easy to face someone and say something that we know he or she is not going to want to hear and that for many, like those individuals in the examples just given, it’s impossible. However, for as long as communication continues to be understood along this continuum as being something either good or bad, there is little room in the middle for a balanced alternative where neutral and healthy exchanges of all sorts can take place. Of course, no one expects anyone to enjoy delivering bad news or hurting someone else’s feelings. That’s a given. But there are ways to say things that don’t have to inflict pain. So, if you can accept that the hardest conversations will never feel great, but also that they don’t have to be devastating either, you can begin to form a healthy approach to communicating with others by freeing your words and using them to create a language that works best for you.

This starts by making some choices—that is, choices about your thoughts, your feelings, and your words. And to ensure that your choices work for and not against you, you’ll need to acquaint yourself with your ego and be willing to look at its role in your life. Otherwise, without an understanding of how ego colors and shades our realities, all hope of successfully linking what we think to what we feel to what we say is lost because egos interfere with the clarity of hearts and minds and distort everything they touch. By their very nature, egos exist to defend against a perceptual reality informed and skewed by events of the past that may or may not be relevant in, or representative of, the present. So it matters more than anything that they take their appropriate place in history and leave their “hosts” alone and free to function in the here and now.

Letting Go fo Your Ego

First, in order to effectively manage your ego it is necessary to acknowledge the interdependent relationship between healthy people and healthy conversations, because in the end, they are inextricably linked. But health isn’t reflected in the body alone. Egos have to be fit, too. Irrespective of firm muscles and strong bones, if people aren’t intrinsically healthy—in heart, mind, and psyche, too—the conversations between them can’t and won’t be either. This is why it is well worth the short-term effort of “working out” your ego now to prepare for the long-term gains associated with an improved ability to communicate with others.

That being the case, I wish I could say that whipping an ego into shape was as concrete and clear-cut a task as going to the gym and eating right. Unfortunately, it’s not. It’s more elusive than that. But make no mistake. A noxious ego is as harmful to a person’s growth both professionally and personally as weak, sickly, undeveloped, and atrophied muscles are to a body. In fact, if ignored, your ego will suffocate you inside its own warped reality the same way a body uncared for will eventually collapse. You won’t grow or learn or become stronger on the inside, which is where it counts if you truly want to develop your skills and become a stronger, more satisfied employee, person, and communicator.

(Continues…)

Excerpted from Surviving DREADED Conversationsby DONNA FLAGG Copyright © 2010 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.. Excerpted by permission of The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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