Real Influence: Persuade Without Pushing and Gain Without Giving In

Millions of people have read How to Win Friends and Influence People; and while much of the 1930s wisdom of Dale Carnegie’s seminal book still rings true, it also reflects a very different age. Today we live in a more sophisticated and far less trusting world, where good intentions are rarely assumed, manipulative tactics are readily detected, and even subtle persuasion efforts are suspect. This makes influencing much more difficult.

In this post-pushing, post-selling world, influence can no longer be viewed as something you do to someone to get what you want. In fact, real influence isn’t even about what you want. It’s about forging strong connections by focusing on other people’s viewpoints, and, quite simply, giving before asking for anything, and always striving for win-win outcomes.

Now master communicator and bestselling author Mark Goulston teams with esteemed executive coach John Ullmen to show why this kind of “connected” influence is the secret to achieving not only short-term gains, but long-term success. Mark’s popular book Just Listen offered insights into getting through to hard-to-reach people, and it laid the groundwork for the more far-reaching scope of Real Influence. Here the authors provide a blueprint for getting buy-in, agreement, and enduring loyalty from anyone by using authentic communication, empathy, and engagement.

Packed with enlightening stories from the authors’ extensive interviews with high-level influencers—people in business, government, non­profits, sports, the arts, and more—the book shows the remarkable power of real influence and offers insights for tapping into it, including:

• How to get past the “blind spot” in our brains that makes connecting and influencing impossible

• The simple four-step model that will help you connect with people you thought were unreachable

• Bad influence habits that can disconnect you from your team, your clients, your family, and others

• How listening with a real motive to learn and understand will change a relationship instantly

• Ways to repair a reputation damaged by trying to influence via manipulation

• Why one of the biggest factors in becoming a power influencer is gratitude

Real Influence is a game-changer, helping you build deep connections and lasting influence by using positive, authentic practices that rise above people’s typically self-centered, short-term focus. Its message has the power to transform your outlook, your relationships, your career, and, ultimately, your life.

Mark Goulston, MD, is a business psychiatrist, consultant, Chairman and Cofounder of Heartfelt Leadership, and the author of the bestselling Just Listen and Get Out of Your Own Way. He also writes a Tribune syndicated career column; blogs for Fast Company, Business Insider, Huffington Post, and Psychology Today; and is featured frequently in major media, including the Wall Street Journal, Harvard Business Review, Fortune, Newsweek, CNN, NPR, and Fox News. He lives in Los Angeles.

John Ullmen, Ph.D., is an acclaimed executive coach whose clients include dozens of leading international firms. He oversees Motivation­Rules.com, conducts popular feedback-based seminars on influence in organizations, and teaches at the UCLA Anderson School of Management. He lives in Los Angeles.

Advance Praise for Real Influence

“Real Influence is literally going to change your life. It will vastly improve all your interactions and relationships, both professionally and personally. This book is the ‘secret sauce’ to optimal influence—and an absolute must-read.”

— David T. Feinberg, MD, MBA, President, UCLA Health System

“The most insightful book I’ve read in years. Simple to read, easy to understand, yet delivers a powerful, compelling message about how to be more effective at work and throughout life.”

— Bob Eckert, former CEO and Chairman, Mattel

“I love this book because of how much it influenced me.”

— Warren Bennis, Distinguished Professor of Management, USC, and author, On Becoming a Leader and Still Surprised

“Real Influence is just what you need, whether you want to influence a boss, a peer, a subordinate, your spouse, your parent, or your kid. It is the antidote to the push-back you get from people whenever they perceive you as being too pushy.”

— Marshall Goldsmith, author, What Got You Here Won’t Get You There

“Today’s fast-paced, hectic world finds most people pulled in different directions at once, and the last thing they want is to be pushed. In Real Influence Goulston and Ullmen offer you the ultimate formula for influencing in a way that people trust. If he were still with us, Dale Carnegie would likely smile and nod in agreement that this book offers one of the absolute best ways to ‘make friends and influence people.’”

— Ivan Misner, Ph.D., New York Times bestselling author and founder of BNI®

“With deep insights from an array of industries and fields, Goulston and Ullmen lay out a terrific roadmap to making significant, positive impacts on one’s organization, personal life, and society.”

— Amir Dan Rubin, President and CEO, Stanford Hospital & Clinics

“With a wealth of relevant research, compelling examples, and straightforward, action­able tactics and advice, Goulston and Ullmen have created an incredibly valuable resource for improving one’s ability to influence and positively impact others. This book isn’t just good for your business, it’s good for your life!”

— Heidi Roizen, Venture Partner, Draper Fisher Jurvetson; and Entrepreneurship Educator, Stanford University