Christina Tangora Schlachter, PhD, is a Certified Professional Coach. She has created and taught courses on communication skills, crucial conversations for new managers, communication for professionals, and dealing with difficult conversations. She is the coauthor of Leading Business Change For Dummies and is the Chief Leader of She Leads.

Critical Conversations For Dummies

By Christina Tangora Schlachter

John Wiley & Sons

Copyright © 2013 John Wiley & Sons, Ltd
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-118-49031-0
CHAPTER 1

Let’s Get Critical! Making Conversations Count

In This Chapter

* Discovering what a critical conversation is

* Finding out why you should be having them

* Memorizing the golden rule of all critical conversations

* Excelling at both the art and science of critical conversations

* Recognizing the key steps in a successful critical conversation

Do you have a bossy colleague who never lets you get a word in edgewise?

Do you work with an employee who doesn’t pull his own weight on the team?

Are you fed up with making the same decision again and again, but never seeming to get any traction or action?

Do you feel that sometimes you’re just talking, meeting, or listening to complaints with absolutely no end in sight?

If you answer yes to any of these questions, you’ve come to the right place. Critical conversations are here to help turn talk into action, to boost performance and tackle difficult behaviors, and to create healthy relationships between peers.

A critical conversation is a foundation for bringing about change in a behavior, problem, or relationship. From that perspective, a critical conversation is a lot like the foundation for a house — and just as important. Without the solid foundation, even the most wonderful blueprint could result in a house quickly sinking into the ground. The solid foundation to a critical conversation is the groundwork for developing healthy work relationships, fostering teambuilding, and improving productivity.

In this chapter, I discuss what critical conversations are, when you should have one, who should be involved, and where you often see the need for them. I also cover the benefits of critical conversations and why to have one in the first place (there are many reasons). Next, I talk about being authentic and genuine when you have a conversation (something I discuss throughout the book because of its importance). Here, I pay special attention to why being genuine is so important and give ways you can make sure you’re having the critical conversation for all the right reasons. Then, I move on to why critical conversations are both an art and a science, and how to excel at both. Lastly, I get into the nuts and bolts of the critical conversation so your conversations generate positive results that last.

Discovering the What, When, Who, and Where of Critical Conversations

Look around and you see that people are talking everywhere and talking about everything. But a conversation where all the parties involved examine the facts, express each person’s point of view, and allow others to do the same — and then come to agreement about what to do next — is much harder to find. That’s where critical conversations come in. The conversation itself is what starts everyone on the same track.

Before you start everyone off on the right track with a critical conversation, I lay the groundwork by covering the four Ws of what makes a critical conversation successful.

What is a critical conversation?

What is a critical conversation? A critical conversation is when two or more parties discuss an issue, problem, or situation in which there are different points of view. Most critical conversations involve high emotions, and the goal of the conversation is for something to change after the conversation ends. For example:

[check] A manager needs to work with an employee to improve his performance at work

[check] Employees aren’t getting along and the behavior is hurting the performance of the team (The behaviors need to change so the focus can be on the project rather than personality differences.)

[check] A customer is upset with a product and wants a resolution

In all these examples, emotions are likely to be high because part of the discussion includes differing perspectives and opinions of what’s happening. A manager may have examples of an employee’s poor performance, and the employee may disagree if he fears his job is in danger. Or two employees may have different views on acceptable workplace behavior. Or a customer may be furious if he isn’t getting precisely what he wants — and the customer may not be exactly right. A critical conversation’s job is to get to the root of the problem and bring these differing perspectives to a common solution.

REMEMBER

Another commonality in these situations is that if nothing is done, there could be negative consequences. If the performance of an employee doesn’t improve, he could be fired. If employees can’t work together on a project, the productivity of the entire team may be at risk. And if a customer is upset, he may stop being a customer. You want to avoid these situations. In mastering the methods of a critical conversation, you can become the hero by avoiding the negative consequences that unresolved issues bring.

When should you have a critical conversation?

People say there’s no time like the present, and that’s very true in a critical conversation. If you feel that change is needed in someone’s behavior, skills, or performance, speaking up is better done early rather than later, after letting problems and emotions fester.

If an issue is halting performance or the ability of individuals to work with one another, it’s time to focus on how to build a more productive and healthy foundation through a critical conversation. In Chapter 5, I go into more depth on the clear signs that point to an approaching critical conversation.

Of course, the idea of no-time-like-the-present has exceptions as well. You have some judgment in when to have the discussion. Some conversations need to happen while the behavior is occurring. For example, if an employee is disrupting a meeting, someone versed in critical conversations could call for a short break, and have the discussion then and there to stop the behavior and refocus the team. But many critical conversations need to happen behind closed doors in order to maintain confidentiality; those conversations won’t happen at the same time as the behavior or performance is occurring. Other examples of when you may need to momentarily postpone the conversation may be:

[check] You feel the need to prepare more for the conversation. It is better to slightly delay the conversation for a day or two than to start the conversation unclear of the message or intent.

[check] Emotions are already flying high. Chapter 20 gives ideas on how to calm your own emotions down before having a conversation.

[check] If you decide a facilitator could help make the conversation more productive, you may need to delay the conversation. Chapter 15 can help you evaluate when an outside mediator or facilitator can help.

Who should have the conversation?

Many people think that critical conversations are just something that happen between a manager and employee when a performance issue comes up. Although this scenario makes for a common conversation, critical conversations can occur among a variety of people, such as two colleagues working to resolve a personality issue or an employee and a customer when changes are necessary for the relationship to continue.

Critical conversations can happen between just about anyone, but not just anyone should have them. Critical conversations shouldn’t be about gossip or a he said–she said discussion. The conversation should happen between the people who are having the dispute, disagreement, or concern. Critical conversations are direct conversations — not discussions between someone’s boss and someone else’s boss.

If there is a large amount of resistance or there are extremely high emotions, a facilitator may need to help with the conversation (learn more about facilitators in Chapter 15). However, ideally the conversation is between the people who are having the issue.

WARNING!

Because all parties to a critical conversation, by definition, must be present, a manager can’t have a productive critical conversation with another manager about the performance of some other employee.

I have one addition to this rule. Sometimes, the parties involved can’t resolve an issue no matter how hard they try (or don’t try). In Chapter 15, I cover when to bring in an outside facilitator or mediator.

Where should you have a critical conversation?

If at all possible, critical conversations should be held behind closed doors and face-to-face. Confidentiality is key, and since the conversation should only involve the people having the dispute or disagreement, find a location that dissuades other people from seeing, hearing, or eavesdropping on the discussion. Having a conversation in a quiet place helps to limit distractions and allows all the parties to focus on listening to each other rather than listening to the phone ringing nonstop.

Since nonverbal cues are so important to understanding the full message of what people are saying and hearing, having the conversation face-to-face is ideal. In today’s virtual world, this is not always possible. If there is no practical way to have a face-to-face conversation, cover all your bases by finding a quiet space with no distractions (and ask for the other participant to do the same) and mastering important verbal and nonverbal communication cues, like choice of words and tone of voice. See Chapters 6 and 7 for more on mastering verbal and nonverbal communication skills.

Making the Effort: Benefits of Critical Conversations Done Right

I won’t lie — critical conversations aren’t the easiest conversations to have. One reason is the emotions involved; if those emotions (and the disagreements that crop up because of them) weren’t present, you’d simply be having a conversation — not a critical conversation. Although no book can make the emotional side of a critical conversation go away, following a common process provides the comfort of following a set of guidelines that can calm your own nerves, make you less emotional, and make you better able to handle the emotions of others during the conversation. The good news is that the effort is well worth it, because you can gain plenty of benefits from mastering critical conversations.

First, you actually solve the problems at hand. If you’ve been trying to get your point across or resolve differences with a co-worker or employee, a critical conversation can help you finally create agreements on what to do next in an understandable plan.

The critical conversation method also helps you discover how to resolve conflict in almost any situation. If you can master how to resolve conflict when the stakes are high and emotions are flying, you surely can resolve conflict when things aren’t as heated.

Critical conversations also help improve working relationships. Working relationships are at the center of almost any organization, and being willing to work collaboratively and to express differences of opinion in a clear and professional manner is what successful leaders are made of.

The Golden Rule of Critical Conversations: Be Genuine

The golden rule of critical conversations is to have a genuine desire to make the situation better. What does that mean? Being honest is the start. Opening up and expressing your own thoughts and feelings build rapport and create a safe environment for discussion. Here are two more ways to bring a genuine desire to help to a critical conversation:

[check] Listen to all parties: Listening to the other party in order to understand perspectives before trying to influence the direction of the conversation is an aspect of coming to the conversation with a genuine desire to make the situation better. During the critical conversation, you need to find out what’s important to the other participants and then try to find a solution that meets these needs as well as your own.

[check] Find a solution to fit everyone: Seeking out a positive solution for all the participants involved is a visible sign of being authentic and honest during the conversation. Ask yourself whether you’re willing to change your point of view if only one solution is feasible. Being genuinely interested in creating a better solution means being willing to look for the best answer, even if it isn’t your answer. People are smart and can tell when you’re trying to force a solution rather than open up the discussion to every possible solution.

What causes a critical conversation to run off course? Well, in addition to not being genuine and truly wanting to find a solution that benefits everyone, these two traps make it hard to resolve issues and move forward:

[check] Hidden agendas: The hidden agenda may be trying to get back at someone, fire someone, or find a way to get more credit than you’re due. Regardless of the agenda, having one is a guaranteed way to make a conversation fail. On the flip side, checking your agenda at the door opens up a world of possibilities. Withholding self-serving information to make sure you get your way puts the brakes on a critical conversation and makes any forward movement fall flat in no time.

[check] Name-dropping: Power-tripping and name-dropping stop a critical conversation faster than you can say “I know the CEO.” It’s fine to use relationships you’ve developed to help build a better solution, but having relationships in the organization isn’t the same thing as name-dropping. Name-dropping is an attempt to get your way in an argument or discussion by implying that others will support you because of a close relationship. Although this tactic may win the day, it can cause resentment among the other employees, and, if your relationship is ever discredited, it can cause others to lose their trust in you.

TIP

Throughout the book I give you many examples of what to do, how to present ideas, and even what to say during a critical conversation. However, genuinely wanting to make the situation better and being willing to put everything else aside has to come from the people having the discussion.

Grasping the Art and Science of Critical Conversations

The marriage of art and science in a critical conversation is a beautiful thing. Bringing together the art — how you approach and deliver the conversation — and the science — the facts that build the conversation — create a path to resolution success.

The art: Making the interpersonal connection

When faced with a difficult conversation, it’s not just what you say but how you say it. Even with a perfect plan and a proven method, how you say something can make all the difference in the world. The art is how you communicate.

The art of conversation includes both verbal and nonverbal skills. Your body language, tone of voice, and eye contact can help put the other parties at ease or make them feel like they’re part of the Spanish Inquisition. Words you choose can also make or break a conversation. Saying, “Wow, that was a great idea,” can be interpreted sarcastically or positively depending on the tone, emphasis, and context.

I discuss nonverbal skills more thoroughly in Chapter 7; using cooperative words and phrases that facilitate working together are discussed throughout the book and in depth in Chapter 6.

But the art doesn’t stop there. Being willing and able to adjust the conversation as needed helps to make the conversation flow and create the desired results. Part of this art is building rapport and trust, and the other part is just knowing how and when to be flexible. Check out Chapters 9 and 10 for more on how to build rapport during the conversation and keep challenging situations positive during the conversation.

TIP

Nothing can replace the interpersonal aspect of two people talking (and I mean really talking — not just texting or e-mailing each other).

The science: Focusing on the facts

The science of critical conversation focuses on the facts of the conversation to move the discussion from emotions to resolution. Even though most critical conversations involve a highly emotional issue, focusing on the facts and data first, and then how these facts make the parties in the conversation feel, defuses the emotion so a conversation — not an argument — can take place.

(Continues…)Excerpted from Critical Conversations For Dummies by Christina Tangora Schlachter. Copyright © 2013 John Wiley & Sons, Ltd. Excerpted by permission of John Wiley & Sons.
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