Having loved, cared for and understood babies since her little sister was born when she was nine, Sheyne Rowley went on to study Early Childhood Development, and has a Diploma in Social Science. From there she became Chief Program Coordinator in the 0-2 room at the ABC TV childcare centre, before moving to the UK. There, Sheyne started working with families with multiple births, and it was here that she discovered that children behave quite differently in their own homes, and that it is their home life, routines and family experiences that shape their behaviour. After returning to Australia, Sheyne eventually set up her Sleep Baby Sleep Service and seven years later she cannot keep up with demand.

Sheyne’s book The Dream Baby Guide is a bestseller.

Sheyne Rowley’s Dream Baby Guide

Positive routine management for happy days and peaceful nights

By Sheyne Rowley

Allen & Unwin

Copyright © 2009 Sheyne Rowley
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-74175-325-7

Contents

Must read …,
Understanding my philosophy,
Part 1 Communication, independence and play,
1 The importance of communication,
2 Be a respectful and loving guide,
3 Step-by-step guide to communicating,
4 The communication learning ladder,
5 Tools for equipping their emotional tool kit,
6 Learning to understand your child (to avoid tears and tantrums),
7 The development of play,
8 Getting organised for play,
9 Independent playtime in the cot,
10 Playing in, out and about,
11 Nutrition and meal-time management,
12 The basic elements of meal-time repair,
13 SURE communication, independence and play,
Part 2 Sleeping well,
14 Sleep — the basics,
15 Creating the right sleep environment,
16 Solving sleep-time blues,
17 SURE routines — daily routines to repair sleep,
18 Settling, resettling and waking routines,
19 Role playing for sleep routines,
20 Crying interpretation,
21 Supporting your baby when they cry,
22 SURE sleep,
Acknowledgements,

CHAPTER 1

The importance of communication

People often think it is too challenging a task to communicate with a baby, but it’s not when you have the right tools. And as I’ve said, and will say many times throughout this book, you cannot repair disrupted or poor sleep patterns and daytime behavioural problems until you can communicate well with, which means respectfully guide, your child during the day and night. I cannot stress enough how important good communication is to harmony when it comes to creating a balanced family environment. It enables you to have true and lasting understanding and co-operation in your home and, when there is stability within the family home, the natural bonuses are children who have deep, healthy restorative sleep, are not fussy at meal times, and can happily explore and play and therefore learn and grow.

Good communication makes up a substantial 85 per cent of my parenting philosophy, and there’s no big secret to it. Good communication simply means being trustworthy, which becomes apparent to your child when you are predictable and consistent. Communication starts with a simple flow of predictable information that accompanies a set pattern of routine events at regular times of the day (events), such as meal times, nappy changing times or bath time. Being consistent means you always use the same style of a clear, well-defined language that your baby not only recognises but is also able to fully understand at all times. Using predictable and consistent ways of communicating with your baby throughout the day is the only way to reduce or eliminate tears significantly when teaching them a new routine around sleeping, eating, or playing independently.

By the time your little one has reached 18 months of age the use of words will become the more dominant portion of your conversations. At this stage of your child’s development, if you have developed a good communication base with your child from an early age, other people may be surprised at how amazing the bond is between the two or three or all of you, and how easy you make parenting look!

What’s your communication style right now?

Good communication always involves clear, repetitious language. It guides you and your child from one part of the day to the next; the ability to verbally lay down this path is called a ‘governing’ or ‘parent-governed line of communication’. This is where you guide your child with routine words and phrases so they can happily follow instruction from you, and your little one feels in control of their day as these words and phrases are predictable for them and they move through their day with ease. This is a win-win situation. You make the decisions about key areas of your child’s day based on your wisdom and desire to meet their best long-term needs but your child feels in control of it all. When this balance is not struck we see tears and tantrums from not just the baby, but from a tired and confused mum and dad too. As I see it, there are four typical styles of communication I encounter when I go into a house where parents are experiencing significant difficulties at sleep time or with daytime behaviour:

1. Basic communicators with no definition

Those who talk clearly about the upcoming events, and state a clear expectation of behaviour, but fail to follow through and define the statement; for example, ‘Nearly time for a nappy change, Charlie’; then ‘Time for a nappy change, lie down’; followed closely by the child rolling over when placed on the change table. The baby then spends the next few minutes trying to crawl away and crying each time he is laid down again. It means the statement by the parent, ‘lie down’, has not been defined, and Charlie has not been shown what it means to not try to get up. Charlie thinks ‘lie down’ means ‘roll over’ because that is what he is allowed to do each time that statement is made.

2. Delayed communicators

Those who do not talk clearly about upcoming events, or state expectations. This is generally because they do not think their baby will be able to understand them so they don’t tend to use language consistently enough until their baby starts to talk to them. These mums and dads generally feel they have never been much for talking, and occasionally they state that they feel like they are being fake or insincere. These parents think through everything clearly in their head but rarely share the information with their baby or toddler. They will, however, say indirect statements like ‘Come on, let’s go!’

3. Nervous and uncertain communicators

They are the parents who turn every statement into a question. They either make everything a question automatically, without even thinking about it, or make it a question because they have predicted their baby or toddler will get upset at the statement and impending transition. Good examples of this are: ‘Are you ready to lie down for nappy change?’ ‘Do you want some lunch?’ ‘Do you want to have a bath?’ ‘Should we go inside?’ or ‘Do you want to have a sleep?’ This is not to say that there is anything wrong with asking questions; in fact you are encouraged to ask questions at appropriate times for at least one-third of a baby or toddler’s waking day. It’s just that you need to refrain from asking a question around an event that needs your guidance.

Often, when I ask these parents to make a clear statement, they attempt to do so but use a downward inflection, which makes the statement sound uncertain or like a question. If you know your baby or toddler has to come inside from the garden, or needs a nappy change, or has to sit down and have their dinner, or a bath, or to have a sleep so they can feel better and enjoy their day, then you will need to guide them confidently by saying it in a more appropriate way, like ‘It’s time for a sleep / to have lunch / to go inside / to have your nappy changed’. That full stop is symbolically important here.

Using predictable and consistent ways of communicating with your baby throughout the day is the only way to reduce or eliminate tears significantly when teaching them a new routine around sleeping, eating, or playing independently.

4. Confusing communicators

Now, while some people are real talkers and naturally use a forewarning stream of language as well as offer clear pre-empting cues, they are not necessarily routine with their style of communication. Unpredictable communication that is clear but not repetitious is more difficult for a baby to grasp, and therefore it may take much longer for your little one to understand you and be relaxed with you guiding their day; for example, ‘Time to change your nappy’ said one day, then ‘C’mon, let’s get rid of that poo’ the next, followed by ‘Let’s get you some new pants, Mr stinky bum!’ the day after.

The flow of communication approach ensures you are using your language appropriately, and that your actions in defining that statement help your little one to learn what you are saying, and then to understand what each of your language cues actually means. This is how you empower your children with the feeling of control over a situation that you are governing. They feel in charge because they can predict what you will do, and what their role during that time actually is. Once you have learnt the appropriate flow of communication, it’s important to dig a little deeper to fully understand the importance of your language in your baby’s life.

How well do you communicate?

This checklist will give you an understanding of where you are now and what you need to consider to ensure you are truly ready to start communicating clearly with your under-two year old.

This checklist will give you an understanding of where you are now and what you need to consider to ensure you are truly ready to start communicating clearly with your under-two year old.

Do you understand and believe in your motivation for guiding your little one? YES / NO

Are you willing to be consistent, therefore trustworthy? YES / NO

Are you being specific with language? YES / NO

Are you being specific with the praise you give? YES / NO

Are you conscious of your role in building their self-esteem through language? YES / NO

Do you fully understand separation anxiety, and ways of reducing the stress to your baby? YES / NO

Have you learnt how to communicate and teach your little one through role play? YES / NO

Have you and your partner established your family boundaries together? YES / NO

Some of these points you will have already considered, while some will be new concepts for you. This means that for the new areas brought up, or indeed with questions you may not understand, there is much to be discovered as you read more in this communication section of the Dream Baby Guide. When you have completed reading the section on communication, come back to this checklist and do it again, and see how different your understanding will be. By the time you are well into your new style of communicating with your child you will have considered all of these questions, will understand them, and will be using them with ease.

Make the time to make it work

Between the ages of six and 12 months, your baby will need quite a bit of repetition communication from you in order to learn to understand your statements, which means you need to stay with them and repeat your statements and be patient. I always make sure that when I know I need to teach a child of this age not to touch the oven door, I ensure I don’t have a million other things to do that will distract me, or get frustrated by the time it may take to teach the baby to understand that ‘no touch’ means ‘no touch’. It may only take two to five consistent statements and true definition for your little one to learn the message but each one of these sessions will require your full attention and real patience.

By 12 to 15 months, you will still need to be repetitive and follow through, but the process will be much faster, so you won’t need to allocate as much time to teaching them something new. From 15 months all the way up to two years, if you are having trouble establishing your parent-governed line of communication, you need to be a little prepared. You will encounter a far more behaviourally motivated resistance from your baby, which means you will need to stay calm, compassionate and ultra-confident while still appearing to have all the time in the world to achieve the stated request and outcome. Remember, you’re on their team and helping them, and have to understand that for them this is tricky. You should not be at loggerheads with you child … ever. Empathy is your key here.

Make sure you allow the time to set your child up and equip them for coping in the big wide world so they can confidently and happily engage with their peers and their carers.

I always say that you should manage your child with the same amount of spirit and determination as they possess, but always stay on their side and be empathetic and compassionate while you follow through. If they are bold and confident then that is wonderful, and you should parent them with the same boldness and confidence. If they are overly bossy and entirely inflexible however, then they need you to be strong, clear and absolutely consistent, all without going into battle with them.

I can assure you now that if you do not take the time to teach your child to co-operate and be flexible, then their little friends and teachers at kindergarten will do this, and that might be a bit of a shock to your child. Make sure you allow the time to set your child up and equip them for coping in the big wide world so they can confidently and happily engage with their peers and their carers. To allow them to throw a tantrum or scream when faced with an event that isn’t governed by them means you are leaving them ill prepared to cope outside the home when interacting with others.

I know that, given the choice, any parent would prefer to be the one to help their toddler to learn how to be a little flexible and to have some basic social skills as far as elementary communication goes, rather than leave it to the kindergarten playground or a childcare professional. If followed, the flow of communication will do this for you, and for your child.

The three lines of communication

Life as a child is full of new and challenging things, and the ability to be a loving tour guide to them during these early years of life, where you can share your wisdom, is one of the most balanced and caring things you can ever do when preparing your little one for the big wide world. This involves three simple lines of communication:

1. A child-governed line of communication is where your child makes a request and you happily oblige. The child governs the outcome of a situation. This is healthy and balanced and it is good for learning communication skills and independence. To be balanced, however, it should constitute only about one-third of a child’s waking day from when they are six months old onwards.

2. In a parent-governed line of communication you make a request and they happily oblige. This is the parent governing the outcome of a situation. This too is healthy and balanced, and is good for their learning of communication skills, social skills and for developing their emotional tool kit.

3. A mutually agreed-upon line of communication, called a ‘negotiation’, is the final communication line introduced, and it comes into play most often after a child is 12 months of age. You must establish clear child-and parent-governed lines of communication before introducing a healthy balance of negotiation opportunities. This should constitute one-third of a toddler’s waking hours from 12 to 15 months onwards. This line should never replace a parent-governed line, but rather be additional to it.

These three lines of communication are what you must start to use with your child from four to six months of age all the way through to school and beyond. Ultimately they should be used equally throughout a day and there should be respectful boundaries set around each member of the family to ensure that each person can speak and be respectfully heard.

I find that just about every parent I work with is really good at listening to their child’s governing line of communication, and is happy to oblige their beautiful baby’s every whim, almost to the point of collapse. While a good portion of your language throughout the day will consist of a child-governed line, and although as they reach toddlerhood the negotiating line of communication will kick in, there are many repetitive times during each and every day when you need to guide your child because they are simply too little to appropriately run the event without your intervention. This is the one line of communication everyone seems to neglect, yet is absolutely crucial when asking your baby to, say, go to sleep and stay asleep, or eat or play at particular times. This is the parent-governed line of communication and it enables you to be a loving guide and teacher who knows that meeting a child’s every demand is not meeting their long-term needs and best interests.

Time to be a teacher and a guide

Ideally, while your baby is still young and at home with you, you want to be the one to teach them what it’s like to be guided, to have to wait, to sometimes have to do things differently, or to sometimes just trust others. To never provide those opportunities through your loving and patient guidance at home means you will be leaving these important life lessons to others who will not know your child as intimately as you, or not have as much time or patience to gently help them through this time as you would. This is obviously a crucial line of communication, especially for sleep, for a series of reasons.

We need to be able to ask our children to look to us for guidance, and to co-operate when we put them to bed if we are to correct any typical sleep-time problems. They are learning to trust the emotions they are feeling when we are guiding them, and learning that those emotions are normal and safe. If they are to sleep through the night or for a significant period of time during the day, they have to be able to let you put them into bed and leave them in the conditions they will encounter multiple times throughout any sleep period, which is generally being tucked into their soft warm bed in their own little room, and without you in the room.

They need to understand that you are consistent with your parent-governed line of communication, and that these situations are not designed to be a negotiation. After they have had the opportunity to practise this routine event of you guiding them at various other times of the day, each day, they will be empowered with all the information they need to recognise what is required of them at sleep time. They have to be comfortable with relinquishing a little control of certain aspects of their day to someone else … and that takes some practice. You need to ask your children to be co-operative at sleep time and at other event routines where you govern the situation, so you need to give them every opportunity during the day to understand the parent-governed style of communicating from the age of four to six months so they have a chance to get used to this normal situation.

(Continues…)Excerpted from Sheyne Rowley’s Dream Baby Guide by Sheyne Rowley. Copyright © 2009 Sheyne Rowley. Excerpted by permission of Allen & Unwin.
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