S*** My Kids Say

By Nick Harris, Andrew Pinder

Michael O’Mara Books Limited

Copyright © 2012 Michael O’Mara Books Limited
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-84317-867-5
CHAPTER 1

POWERS OF LOGIC

Constantly focused on a repetitive round of eating, playing and sleeping, kids would have you believe they’ve got little going on upstairs … think again.

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES

Kids regularly belie their tender years by coming out with inappropriate remarks that would make Ricky Gervais blush.

* * *

I wish someone we knew would die so we could send lots of flowers. Alice, seven

Dad, why are those men carrying that long box on their shoulders? What’s in the box? Is it their fishing rods? Jarvis, five

Why are they burying Uncle John deep in the ground? I thought you were supposed to go to heaven after you die, but it looks as if Uncle John’s going in the other direction! Geri, six

All the folds of skin on the back of that man’s neck make it look like a pack of hot dogs. Billy, five

Is that Mr Robertson’s nose or is he eating a banana? Christopher, five

See that lady in the red dress? Gee, she’s big. I didn’t know you could get dresses that big! Waylon, five

If your bra size is thirty-four, Mummy, that lady over there must be size 120. Her boobies are huge! Erin, six

* * *

My mummy’s fat because she’s having a baby. What’s your excuse? Gina, seven

* * *

That man has a patch over his eye. Does that mean he’s a pirate? If so, where’s his parrot? James, five

Are you the lady from number thirty-four, the one Mummy says breeds like a rabbit? Natalie, five

* * *

Are you going to go on Jerry Springer to find out who your baby’s father is? Wilma, six

* * *

Are you the lady in our street who used to be a man? Clarissa, four

I don’t understand how you can start off as a man and then become a lady. What happens to all your dangly man bits? And which toilet do you have to go in, or is there a special one for people who are half and half? Melanie, seven

Mum says the lady next door is approaching sixty, but she doesn’t say from which direction. Simon, eight

If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person. Nathan, eight

I didn’t know ladies could have a moustache. Cool! Justin, six

Grandma, we’ve been waiting in line here forever behind that lady. It takes Daddy less time to poop and he’s in there long enough to play a world of Angry Birds! Jane, six

Mummy, why are old people always so slow? Wouldn’t it be better if they just died? Phyllida, five

* * *

When people get to fifty I think they should just be killed off to make room for all the new babies. It would stop the world getting too crowded. If I was God, that’s what I would do anyway. But I’d let you and Daddy live a bit longer – maybe to fifty-five – if you did me burgers for tea every Friday. Charlie, six

When me and Sarah went to the seaside in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boyfriend. It was fun. Lauren, seven

Mum, look at that man’s funny nose. He looks like Bert from Sesame Street. Sean, four

What’s that horrible smell? It smells like my brother’s butt in here! Andre, five

* * *

I was just about to eat a bogey and there was a hair in it. That’s so gross! Britney, five

* * *

What do I want for tea? A bowl full of bogeys. They’re my favourite food. Roxie, four

WISE BEYOND THEIR YEARS

Kids may not know how to keep their room tidy or how to play with plasticine