Sura Hart has provided training to peacemaking teachers in the Peace Army-Costa Rica; is the former education project director for the Center for Nonviolent Communication; and a former elementary, junior-high, and high-school teacher. She is the coauthor of The Compassionate Classroom. She lives in Santa Barbara, California. Victoria Kindle Hodson is a psychologist and the coauthor of The Compassionate Classroom and Discover Your Child’s Learning Style. She lives in Ventura, California.

Respectful Parents Respectful Kids

7 Keys to Turn Family Conflict Into Co-operation

By Sura Hart, Victoria Kindle Hodson, Martin Mellein

PuddleDancer Press

Copyright © 2006 Sura Hart and Victoria Kindle Hodson
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-892005-22-9

Contents

Charts and Activities,
Preface,
Acknowledgements,
Foreword,
Introduction,
Part I. The Foundation for Respect & Co-operation,
Chapter 1. Respect & Co-operation: What Parents Want and How to Get It,
Chapter 2. Self-Respect: Parents Have Needs Too,
Chapter 3. What Takes the Co-Out of Co-operation?,
Part II. The 7 Keys to Co-operation,
Key 1. Parent with Purpose,
Key 2. See the Needs Behind Every Action,
Key 3. Create Safety, Trust, & Belonging,
Key 4. Inspire Giving,
Key 5. Use a Language of Respect,
Key 6. Learn Together As You Go,
Key 7. Make Your Home a No-Fault Zone,
Part III. Family Activities & Stories from the No-Fault Zone,
Activities List,
Topic: Giraffe & Jackal Culture,
Topic: Family Meetings,
Topic: Life-Enriching Practices,
Topic: Peaceful Conflict Resolution,
Topic: Giraffe & Jackal Play,
Stories from the No-Fault Zone,
References,
Parenting Resources,
Recommended Reading,
Index,
How You Can Use the NVC Process,
Some Basic Feelings and Needs We All Have,
About PuddleDancer Press,
About CNVC and NVC,
Trade Books from PuddleDancer Press,
Trade Booklets from PuddleDancer Press,
About the Authors,

CHAPTER 1

Respect & Co-operation: What Parents Want and How to Get It

Respect and co-operation are high on the list of what parents tell us they want from their kids. Perhaps you are among the many parents who have an automatic voice alarm that periodically goes off in the midst of an argument and says, I really want more respect and co-operation from these kids! Perhaps you are among the many parents who wonder what in the world is going on to prevent you from getting the respect and co-operation you want. After all that you do for your kids, aren’t these simple things to ask for? Well, yes — and no. Respect and co-operation are simple because they are basic needs you have. On the other hand, setting up the conditions to get them requires more attention than you might think.

We have found that you can tap into a flow of mutual respect and co-operation if you are willing to do the following:

Remember that your children learn what you are living.

Co-operate with your children.

Value your needs and your children’s needs equally.

Look at your assumptions about children.

Develop and practice the 7 keys that are at the core of
respectful parenting.

Though moms and dads talk a lot about respect and co-operation, we find that confusion surrounding the terms is rampant. When asked, parents aren’t quite sure what they mean each time they use the words; they can even mean different things at different times. And, to top it off, the ways parents go about trying to get respect and co-operation often backfire because they haven’t been able to show their kids either respect or co-operation — at least in the way this book presents the terms.

Co-operation Is a Two-Way Street

It turns out that many parents, instead of thinking of co-operation as a two-way working relationship with their kids, think of it as a one-way street where kids do what parents want them to do. When kids don’t d