Chapter One
UNDERSTANDING YOUR STUDENTS
Become a Mistaken Goal Detective
When we know the goal of a person, we know approximately what will follow.
—Alfred Adler
As stated in the Introduction, a unique and most important insight of Positive Discipline is the understanding that there is a belief behind every behavior. Students have a reason for doing what they do. Adler called it “private logic.” A student’s behavior may not make sense to us, but it makes sense to him or her. In Positive Discipline we teach adults to be “behavior detectives” by trying to understand the belief behind the behavior.
It’s time to channel your inner detective and start reading the signals that your students are sending you. This means that you will be a teacher whose energy is focused on following clues to discover the belief behind a student’s behavior, rather than a teacher focused on needlessly punishing unacceptable behavior. It means you will use your best teaching skills to encourage a student to develop a new belief and a new behavior.
The Mistaken Goal Chart (page 12) and the Mistaken Goal Detective Clue Form (page 11) help you become a master behavior detective. Use them to solve the mystery of how to encourage a challenging student.
Mistaken Goal Detective Clue Form
1.Think of a recent challenge you had with a student. Write it down. Describe what occurred as though you are writing a script: What did your student do? How did you react? What happened next?
2.What were you feeling when you were in the middle of this challenge? (Choose a feeling from Column 2 of the Mistaken Goal Chart.) Write it down.
3.Now move your finger over to Column 3 of the Mistaken Goal Chart to see if your behavior, as you described it in your challenge, comes close to any of these typical adult responses. If what you did is described better in a different row, double-check to see if there is a feeling in another row in Column 2 that better represents how you were feeling at a deeper level. (For example, we often say we are feeling annoyed when, at a deeper level, we are feeling challenged or hurt, or we might say we feel hopeless and helpless when we really feel challenged or defeated in a power struggle.) How you react is a clue to your deeper feelings.
4.Move your finger across to Column 4. Do any of these descriptions come close to what the child did in response to your reaction?
5.Now move your finger back to Column 1 of the Mistaken Goal Chart. It is likely that this is your child’s mistaken goal. Write it down.
6.Move your finger to the right, to Column 5. You have just discovered what may be the discouraging belief that is the basis for the student’s mistaken goal. Write it down.
7.Move your finger to Column 6. Does this come close to a belief you have that may contribute to the student’s misbehavior? (Remember, this is not about blame, only about awareness.) While you are learning skills to encourage the student, you will also change your own belief! Try it now by writing down a response that would be more encouraging to your student. You’ll find clues in the last two columns.
8.Move your finger to Column 7, where you will find the coded message the child is sending about what he or she needs in order to feel encouraged.
9.Move once more to Column 8, the last one, to find some ideas you could try the next time the student presents this challenging behavior. You can also use your own wisdom to think of what to do or say that would speak to the coded message in Column 7. Write down your plan.
10.How did it go? Record in your journal exactly what you discovered and what happened. Did the student’s behavior change? Did yours? If your plan isn’t successful the first time, try another tool. Make certain that in every effort you begin by making a connection before you attempt a correction.
Another way to discern mistaken goals is to use what Dreikurs called “goal disclosure.” The Mistaken Goal Chart may not include a particular student’s belief, but it can help you make informed and helpful guesses about what the motivating belief may be. The goal disclosure process can help you confirm your guesses in a way that creates a connection with the student, because it provides the deepest form of empathy: helping the student feel deeply understood.
Goal Disclosure
Wait for a calm time (not during conflict) to talk with a student in private. A friendly atmosphere is essential. Ask the student for permission to make guesses about why he or she is behaving in a certain way. Let the student know that he or she can tell you if you have guessed correctly or not. (This is usually an intriguing challenge to the student.) Ask the questions below, one at a time. If after any question you get a yes or a recognition reflex (for example, a spontaneous smile even while saying no—the no is an automatic denial, while the smile suggests that the student has subconsciously gained a deeper understanding of herself), you can follow up with plans for the student to get her needs met in ways that are positive and empowering. If no clarifying response to a question occurs, go on to the next question.
1.“Could it be that you do this particular behavior to get my attention?” (Undue Attention)
2.“Could it be that you want to show me I can’t make you do as I ask?” (Misguided Power)
3.“Could it be that you feel hurt and want to hurt back?” (Revenge)
4.“Could it be you believe you can’t succeed and want to be left alone?” (Assumed Inadequacy)
Here are some effective responses if the student responds with a yes (or a recognition reflex) to a question indicating a specific goal.
1.Undue Attention: “Everyone wants attention. There are encouraging ways and discouraging ways to get attention. Would you be willing to work with me on a plan for you to get attention in ways that are positive and encouraging to others as well as yourself, such as a morning greeter?”
2.Misguided Power: “Power can be used in encouraging ways or discouraging ways. I would appreciate your help in using your power in ways that are useful to yourself and the whole class. Would you be willing to lead our class meeting tomorrow, or would you like to be a tutor in one of the lower grades for a student who needs some help?”
3.Revenge: “I can see that you are feeling hurt. I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do to help?” When the mistaken goal is Revenge, validating hurt feelings is often enough to invite behavior change. If it doesn’t seem that validation is enough, follow up by saying, “Would you like to get together again tomorrow to see if we can figure out some ways to find a solution to this challenge?”
4.Assumed Inadequacy: “I won’t give up on you. I care too much. We’ll do whatever it takes to help you succeed. Let me show you some small steps to help you get started.” (For example, if the child is having trouble drawing a circle, say, “I’ll draw the first half of the circle, and you can draw the second half.” This technique can be effective with whatever learning task the student is struggling with.)
Goal disclosure can be a powerful tool. When the teacher’s empathy is genuine, the student experiences a connection with the teacher that is deeply caring. Goal disclosure will help you better understand your student, and your student will gain valuable insights about his or her deeper needs and motivations.
A teacher’s friendly demeanor during goal disclosure demonstrates how much he or she cares. Because effective goal disclosure includes authentic...
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