Susan F. Benjamin is a communications consultant and the author of 5 books, including Words at Work. Her articles on language-related issues have appeared in USA Today, Philadelphia Inquirer, and New York Daily News.

Perfect Phrases for Dealing with Difficult People

Hundreds of Ready-to-Use Phrases for Handling Conflict, Confrontations, and Challenging Personalities

By Susan F. Benjamin

The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.

Copyright © 2008 Susan F. Benjamin
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-0-07-149304-8

Contents

AcknowledgmentsPart One: What You Need to KnowWhy Address Difficult PeopleTop Seven Imperatives of Communicating with Difficult PeoplePart Two: Perfect Phrases for Communicating with Difficult CoworkersUnfriendly CoworkersCoworkers Who WithholdPetty and Gossipy CoworkersArgumentative PeopleLoud and Obnoxious CoworkersNegative CoworkersWhen That Negative, Angry, or Difficult Employee Is YouPart Three: Perfect Phrases for Communicating with Difficult BossesBully BossesUnfocused and Forgetful BossesDistant, Weak, or Hands-Off BossesHow to Ask for an Overdo Promotion or RaiseMicromanagersHow to Correct Your Boss’s MistakesHow to Get a Letter of Recommendation from a Reluctant BossHow to Say Good-bye to a Problem Boss—Without Burning BridgesPart Four: Perfect Phrases for Communicating with Difficult EmployeesComplainersHow to Address Inappropriate Behavior, Dress, or HygieneEmployees Who Spread RumorsLazy or Lethargic EmployeesPassive-Aggressive EmployeesAngry EmployeesStuck-in-the-Box PerformersHow to Settle Disputes Between EmployeesHow to Motivate Employees Who Resist ChangePart Five: Perfect Phrases for Communicating with Difficult CustomersAngry CustomersAntsy and Anxious CustomersHow to Help Customers Adapt to ChangesHow to Resolve Billing Problems with CustomersHow to Manage Demanding CustomersPart Six: Perfect Phrases for Communicating with Difficult Vendors and
Employees from Other DepartmentsHow to Control a Coworker from Another Department in a Meeting with
CustomersDifficult ContractorsDifficult Vendors and SuppliersHow to Negotiate Finances with Difficult Vendors and ContractorsDisruptive Participants in Presentations

Excerpt

CHAPTER 1

What You Need to Know

Why Address Difficult People

Managing Your Expectations—and Theirs

Why confront, e-mail, or otherwise communicate with difficult people at work?People who, say, drive you crazy, cause work slowdowns, and make life miserableevery time they can? Many people believe the reasons go something like this: “Iwant to put my foot down once and for all.” Or “I’ve got to get these feelingsoff my chest.” Or “I’m going to tell that guy what he can do with his attitude.”And sometimes there are other, even less savory reasons.

But here’s a reality check: The real reason to communicate with difficult peopleis to improve your work life and theirs, not to mention the lives of your boss,coworkers, and, most important, customers. Even when those difficult people arethe customers. As for whether you like those people or they like you, whetheryou become bosom buddies or maintain a respectful distance is inconsequential.

Granted, you will need different strategies for communicating with differentpeople. The angry customers must be calmed and controlled while the lethargicemployees must be energized. You can use the following tips in all your workinteractions, and they will boost your communication to the most successfullevel possible.

With that in mind, read the following seven imperatives and apply them no matterwho is causing you trouble.

Top Seven Imperatives of Communicating with Difficult People

1. Be Objective

Objective language can be your best friend when communicating with difficultpeople, and it is often the only way to get the response you want. Trust me,it’s helpful outside of work also—with difficult neighbors, children, and evenfriends.

So what is objective language? Say a coworker is disruptive. That’s yoursubjective opinion. Will the coworker agree? Doubtful. But if you presentobjective facts and rely on what you saw and heard, then the true situationbecomes clear and undeniable. Does your coworker talk too much at meetings? Stopin your office to chat … on an hourly basis … and break your work flow? Withthose facts at hand, now your coworker can identify the problem exactly.

Look at the difference between subjective and objective language here:

Subjective: You are irritating to other employees who want to get work done.

Objective: You interrupt people by dropping by their work space to chat.

Subjective: You’re really annoying in meetings.

Objective: You need to stay in the meetings and talk only when the facilitatorcalls on you.

Subjective: You don’t respect other people.

Objective: You routinely call other people derogatory names.

Even better, once the person can understand the problem objectively, he or shecan find the solution. Call other people names? Well, stop doing it.

2. Use Examples

When discussing a person’s bad behavior at work, the response you get may be”Huh?” as in “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” even though you’ve beenobjective and clear, and—face it—it’s such an obvious problem everyone knowswhat you’re talking about, even the cleaning staff. So use an example toillustrate what you mean. Let’s get back to an example from the last section onobjective language—” You need to stay in the meetings and talk only when thefacilitator calls on you.”

Assuming your coworker doesn’t have a bladder problem, that’s a fair request.Yet your coworker responds with an open mouth and hurt expression as if to say,”But I do sit in the meetings. I never miss a word.” Your only recourse is toprovide an example, such as “Yesterday, at the managers’ meeting, you got upthree times.” Then, lest the coworker claim the event was a mere exception tootherwise great meeting etiquette, give another example: “And during mypresentation last week, you were in and out at least two times.”

If, rather than your coworker, this person happens to be your employee, recordthese examples. Be clear about names, dates, and other specifics. You may needthem later.

3. Commit to the Accuracy Principle

Be accurate. Always. Say, for example, you accused that annoying coworker ofwalking out on meetings “about 10 times.” Granted, you didn’t literally mean 10times—you were only trying to make a point. But, sadly, the point was lost inthe exaggeration of the number. Are you a manager? Then accuracy is a must inyour performance reviews too—especially with difficult employees. Being accuratecan foster trust, motivate employees to change their behavior, and enhance thegoodwill about everything from potential pay increases to awards.

Regardless of whether you’re dashing off a quick e-mail or writing a formalwritten review, use exact, supportable, and, yes, objective language byaddressing these questions:

* What was the degree of the behavior? How did you determine that?

* How often did it occur?

* What were the direct repercussions? How can you measure them?

* Did you or anyone else confront this problem before? When and how often?

4. Take Advantage of Venues

All forms of messages are not equal. People retain considerably more of thewritten word than the spoken word, provided that they actually read it. Still,in face-to-face discussions, you can get cues to help you refine or otherwiseposition your message, whether a quizzical expression, a smile, or a subtleshake of the head.

Here are a few pointers that can help.

Written Message

* The first few words are critical: They’re the ones people remember and will seta tone for the rest.

* Avoid unnecessarily formal language. It can sound unduly angry, cold, oralienating. Granted, you don’t want to use syrupy phrases either. But keep thetone neutral or, if you dare, friendly.

* Have lots of points? Are you addressing a rebel employee who refuses to followprocedures? Use bullets, numbers, or steps. They’re easy to see and impossiblenot to follow.

Spoken Message

* Employees and coworkers hear only every fifth word or so, and that means youneed to repeat key points throughout the discussion.

* Watch for body language—yours and your employee’s or coworker’s. Sit down totalk and see that your employee or coworker has crossed arms and an indirectgaze? This could signal hostility. But continue watching his or her bodylanguage throughout the discussion for signs that you’re being effective. Watchyour own body language too. Are you expressing fear or anger? Or openness aboutfinding a solution and moving on?

Don’t forget to take control of the environment around you. Want to give theimpression of power? Then sit at the head of the table. Want to appear relaxedand conciliatory? Then sit at a seat across the table. Also, choose where you’remeeting carefully. Meeting in a conference room? That’s usually neutral space. Acafé signals a friendly space. An office? The power belongs to the person whoseoffice you’re in.

5. Follow Your Vision

There’s no question that difficult people are a pain to be around—especiallycoworkers whom you see day after day after day. They create hostility,uneasiness, and problems. Half the time, they are the problem. And you may notlike them. But in the end, all that matters is how they affect your work andyour unit’s work. So when taking a difficult person to task, conjure a vision ofhow the perfect situation would look. That vision could be small scale, likethat guy who’s always interrupting meetings. Your vision: to sit throughmeetings from beginning to end without interruptions. Or the vision could belarge scale: for your unit to meet all of its financial goals, get great bonusesand extra paid time off, and have a friendly, energetic work environment … then,when you’re communicating with the difficult person, connect his or her behaviorto that vision. This will turn a complaint into a serious work issue. Here aresome examples:

Complaint: You’re not a team player, which hurts every one of us.

Vision oriented: We want to increase sales by more than 75 percent this quarter.But since you’ve been late with the quotes four out of five times, we probablywon’t get close.

Complaint: You don’t seem to realize that this isn’t a social club. We justcan’t spend time hanging out and talking all day.

Vision oriented: If we’re going to meet all our deadlines, as we discussed inOctober’s meeting, we must limit our socializing to lunch breaks.

6. Keep Records

If you’re a manager, you have one critical record stored away: the performancereview. Make the most of this record. Don’t be shy about discussing problems andconcrete ways your employees can overcome them. If your problem is with acoworker, customer, or boss, you should still keep records of your interactions—youmay need them later. Record events, plus the days and times they occurred.Have any witnesses? Write their names down too. Also, be sure to save

* E-mails and other messages from fellow employees.

* Notes about when the employee exhibited negative behavior.

* Notes about conversations you had with the employee.

* Follow-up e-mails to the employee about agreements you made in one-on-onediscussions.

* Project management documents indicating how the employee affected work flow.

7. When in Doubt

Have questions? Do you find that difficult employee overwhelming or evenfrightening? Don’t make the two biggest mistakes possible: using guesswork andavoiding the situation. Instead, talk to your manager or call your HRdepartment. No question, they can help.

CHAPTER 2

Perfect Phrases for Communicating with Difficult Coworkers

Communicating with coworkers can be strange. They’re not exactly friends,although you do chat in the halls and know, for example, about their crazy kidsand unfortunate divorces. They’re not business partners, subordinates, ormanagers. And certainly, as much as you crave it, you can’t tell them where toput their attitude on a bad day. So communicating with them is bound to be …interesting. Challenging. And problematic.

Naturally you’d think somewhere along the line someone in a business class,graduate school, or even a creative writing course would have tipped you offabout how to communicate with difficult coworkers. But no—you’re thrust in theworkplace with coworkers who drive you crazy, and there seems to be no right wayto tell them to stop.

What’s an employee to do? Here are three pointers:

1. Keep it professional: Coworkers keeping critical data to themselves? It couldbe that they want control of the project. Granted, that stinks, but it isn’tabout you personally. That means your response isn’t to say you find themcontemptible—a personal and unwise choice—but to emphasize the reason you areprofessionally entitled to the data.

2. Document as if your professional life depended on it—which, by the way, itmight: That means write every agreement you make with your coworkers, even overcoffee in the office kitchenette, and e-mail it to them. Then save a copy foryourself. Oh, and record everything else of consequence, even small consequence,and save that too. You never know when the notes of today will become career-saving content of tomorrow.

3. Use strategy: Communication is never just what you say, write, or projectwith body language. It contains layers and layers of innuendos, so you need tostrategize. Sure, the words that rush to your mouth may be to tell yourcoworkers what maniacs they are—but don’t do it. Decide what you wantprofessionally; then strategize how to say it right. And what should drive thatdecision? The response that will ultimately help you, and your team, at work.

Not sure what to say? You did the right thing by turning to this part of thebook. You’ll find lots of perfect phrases for just about every brand ofdifficult coworkers, from gossips to chronic arguers, and some quick tips thatwill also help.

Unfriendly Coworkers

Your objective with unfriendly employees isn’t to become bosom buddies, althoughthat’s always nice. Instead, you need to create a synergy so that you can worktogether—as professionals. Think your coworkers don’t like you for a personalreason? The way you laugh? Your hairstyle? Or is it that you’re outgoing andthey’re not? Be courteous and move on. But if you think you’ve offended yourcoworkers for some reason, find out why. Remember, make the discussion asobjective as possible.

Statements to Avoid

* You’re really being rude to me.

* I really hate how you’re treating me.

* I used to think you were okay, but now I just think you’re nasty.

* Do you dislike me for some reason? If so, you should tell me what it is.

* Do you have a problem with me?

* What’s going on with you? You’re like a cold fish these days, and it kind ofstinks.

Statements to Use

When Coworkers Suddenly Get Cold

* I hope I haven’t done anything to offend you.

* Would you like to discuss any issues with me?

* Did something happen that I don’t know about?

* Have I said something you think is inappropriate?

* Is there anything I’ve done to obstruct this project? If so, I’d like to knowwhat it is.

When Coworkers Are Rude or Unpleasant

* If you have an issue with me, let me know. Otherwise, I expect that you’lltreat me with respect.

* I don’t respond to that kind of language. Let me know when you’re ready totalk.

* I think we need to discuss this project, but only in civil terms.

* If you want me to engage in this discussion, you must treat me respectfully.

* I assume you have something useful to say, but it’s impossible for me to hearwhen you speak that way.

* We need to talk in a professional manner.

Coworkers Who Withhold

Coworkers may withhold information for a variety of reasons. Perhaps they’re toobusy. Or maybe they don’t know the processes and procedures for passing it on.Or perhaps they’re forgetful. Worse, they may be trying to get in the way ofyour professional advancement because they’re jealous or want that position forthemselves. No matter, you need to maintain as professional and objective astance in getting that information from them—not once, but on an ongoing basis.Here’s how.

Connect Your Request with a Professional Outcome

* Please send me the financial records for FY 06 so I can complete the audit.

* I need to have updates so that I can revise the policy procedure.

* Let me know about the pricing changes so that we can give the customer accurateinformation.

* Please forward the project plan so that I can assign the right people to eachrole and responsibility.

* We must have the missing data if we are to complete the project.

* If you don’t send the meeting notes by 6:00, I cannot complete thepresentation.

Show How Your Team Is Affected By the Situation

The if-then structure works well here:

* If we are to get the full budget, then you must send us …

* If we are to make our deadline, then be sure to supply …

* If our team is to work cohesively, then you must keep us updated.

Or use the if-then structure in reverse:

* If you provide the updated manual, then we can expedite the process.

* If you get us directions for the new tool, then we can communicate faster.

* If you tell us the plans in advance, then we can prepare the rightdocumentation.

Use Specific Sentence Structures

Have a long, dreary history with withholding coworkers? Does everyone suffer asa result? Then it’s helpful to use a sentence structure that goes something likethis:

Action Outcome Soution

Here are a few examples:

* (action) Since you omitted two pages on last year, (outcome) we didn’t get thegrant, (solution) so this time, please provide everything we need.

* (action) Because you didn’t get us the complete financials, (outcome) we missedthe deadline last year. (solution) So please send all six statements by Friday.
(Continues…)Excerpted from Perfect Phrases for Dealing with Difficult People by Susan F. Benjamin. Copyright © 2008 by Susan F. Benjamin. Excerpted by permission of The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc..
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