Harvey Deutschendorf is an emotional intelligence coach who has worked in the field of EI for more than 10 years, and a Certified Administrator of the BarOn EQI, the first scientifically valid test for emotional intelligence approved by the American Psychological Association.

The Other Kind of Smart

SIMPLE WAYS TO BOOST YOUR EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE FOR GREATER PERSONAL EFFECTIVENESS AND SUCCESSBy Harvey Deutschendorf

AMACOM

Copyright © 2009 Harvey Deutschendorf
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-0-8144-1405-7

Contents

Acknowledgments…………………………………………………………….1Introduction……………………………………………………………….2Chapter 1: What Is EI?………………………………………………………9Chapter 2: The Business Connection……………………………………………14Chapter 3: Inspiring Workplaces………………………………………………25Chapter 4: Success Throughout Your Life……………………………………….30Chapter 5: Emotional Self-Awareness…………………………………………..35Chapter 6: Assertiveness…………………………………………………….42Chapter 7: Self-Regard………………………………………………………49Chapter 8: Self-Actualization………………………………………………..56Chapter 9: Independence……………………………………………………..65Chapter 10: Empathy…………………………………………………………75Chapter 11: Healthy Relationships…………………………………………….87Chapter 12: Social Responsibility…………………………………………….97Chapter 13: Problem Solving………………………………………………….109Chapter 14: Reality Testing………………………………………………….118Chapter 15: Flexibility……………………………………………………..125Chapter 16: Stress Tolerance…………………………………………………139Chapter 17: Impulse Control………………………………………………….147Chapter 18: Happiness……………………………………………………….159Chapter 19: Optimism………………………………………………………..169Chapter 20: Assessing Your EI—Getting Real About Your Life…………………181Chapter 21: Increasing Your EI—Where Do I Begin?………………………….189Appendix I: Questions and Answers…………………………………………….197Appendix II: Mini EI Quiz……………………………………………………200Appendix III: Recommended Reading…………………………………………….205Appendix IV: Websites……………………………………………………….208Appendix V: Organizations for Boosting EI……………………………………..210Index……………………………………………………………………..213

Chapter One

What Is EI?

“The greatest discovery of my generation is that human beings can alter their lives by changing the attitude of the mind.”

—William James, Psychologist and Philosopher

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The idea that our emotions influence how well we do in life is not new. It has been around as long as humans have been on earth. The ancient Greek philosophers spoke of the impact that emotions had on themselves and on those around them. In the last few decades, we have made major breakthroughs in the study of our emotions and their effect on our lives.

History of a Concept

During the early part of the twentieth century, researchers and psychologists seriously began to study various forms of general intelligence. By the time the IQ test was established and being used in schools, David Wechsler, who developed the latest version of the IQ test in 1940, already felt that there were other areas of intelligence that needed to be measured. He inferred that one of the areas we needed to look at was what is now called emotional intelligence. In 1955, Albert Ellis, the founder of rational-emotive therapy, speculated that people could learn to deal with their emotions by using their rationale. In 1980, Dr. Reuven BarOn, an Israeli psychologist and Rhodes Scholar, began to study how emotions affect people’s functioning.

Using his own work and that of earlier researchers, BarOn began to develop the emotional quotient, or EQ test, for emotional intelligence, the first scientifically valid assessment for emotional intelligence. The American Psychological Association approved the test, known as the BarOn EQ-i®, or Emotional Quotient Inventory.

The term emotional intelligence is credited to John Mayer of the University of New Hampshire and Peter Salovey of Yale University. In 1990, the two psychology professors, along with colleague David Caruso, developed an alternate test for emotional intelligence. Their test, the Mayer-Salovey-Caruso Emotional Intelligence Test (MSCEIT), is an ability-based test of emotional intelligence. The discussion around who actually discovered emotional intelligence or who first coined the term is a moot point. Our knowledge base had progressed to the point that researchers and social scientists were making new breakthroughs in the area of human functioning. With our new understanding, it was becoming possible to measure and test for the effects of emotions in our lives in an accurate and meaningful way.

Think of it as being similar to technical breakthroughs such as the automobile or airplane. Although the Wright brothers have gone down in history as the first to achieve sustained airborne flight, there were others who were working on this and close to achieving flight. Technology had advanced to the point that airborne flight was possible and there were inventors at that time in all the industrial nations such as England, France, and Germany who were getting close to achieving a breakthrough. If the Wright brothers had not made their historic flight in Kitty Hawk, it is likely that someone would have flown shortly after that time. It was an idea whose time had come. The same principle applies to emotional intelligence.

In 1995 Daniel Goleman published Emotional Intelligence, which summed up the work that had been done up to that point in the field. It became a bestseller, and Goleman appeared as a guest on the Oprah Winfrey Show. If there was a defining moment for emotional intelligence, this was it. Public awareness of the concept, which up until this point had been minuscule, jumped dramatically. People began to talk about emotional intelligence as articles began to appear in major magazines such as Time and Newsweek.

In 1998, Goleman followed up his highly successful first book with Emotional Intelligence in the Workplace, in which he researched how businesses were benefiting from implementing emotional intelligence concepts in the workplace. Like his first book, this one also became successful and the author again appeared on Oprah. In the last few years, articles have appeared in prestigious business publications such as the Harvard Business Review and Fast Company, quickly clearing up any misconceptions that emotional intelligence is some “fuzzy, feel good” idea that has no place in the real world.

Misconceptions

Since the term emotional intelligence has been around, there have been some misconceptions regarding what it means. Without digging further and investigating as to what the term actually means, people have jumped to conclusions based solely on their connotations of the word emotional. In the book Working with Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman attempts to set the record straight and clear up some misconceptions surrounding the term emotional intelligence.

Playing Nice

Rather than simply being nice, emotional intelligence means being real, open, and honest regarding our feelings. This can take courage as it is often easier to skirt around issues than to confront them directly. Rather, we need to be real in our interactions with others. While we should be sensitive to other people’s feelings, ignoring or overlooking their negative or destructive behavior does them no favors. If we truly care about someone, we must be forthright and honest even though it may be uncomfortable for us at the time and not appreciated. True friends will end up appreciating that we had the courage, and cared enough, to be honest with them.

Letting It All Hang Out

As Goleman points out, “Emotional intelligence does not mean giving free rein to feelings—‘letting it all hang out.’ Rather, it means managing feelings so that they are expressed appropriately and effectively, enabling people to work together smoothly toward common goals.”

There is a time and place for expressing strong emotional feelings to others. For example, during a staff meeting is not the right time or place to vent anger at a coworker. Later, once we are calmed down and have carefully thought out what we are going to say and are in a private setting with the coworker would be a much better time and place.

Women Have More Emotional Intelligence

Another aspect of EI that is frequently misunderstood is the differences between the genders’ natural ability to express it. Women in our society have always had a great deal more freedom and permission to express and show their emotions than men. This is slowly starting to change as Western culture has been waking up to the negative consequences of not allowing men to openly express their emotions. Because women have been much more open and expressive in general with their emotions, it is assumed by some that they will be better in all areas of EI than men. Daniel Goleman tried to clear up misconceptions regarding gender differences when he wrote that “women are not ‘smarter’ than men when it comes to emotional intelligence, nor are men superior to women. Each of us has a personal profile of strengths and weaknesses in these capacities. Some of us may be highly empathic but lack some abilities to handle our own distress; others may be quite aware of the subtlest shift in our own moods, yet be inept socially.”

When we add up male/female profiles, we find that women on the whole are more aware of their emotions and are better at forming relationships with others while men adapt more easily and handle stress better. However, it is important to remember that this finding does not account for individual variations where these differences could be reversed. There are men who are very aware of their emotions and are able to form strong relationships, just as there are women who adapt easily and are good at handling stress.

Emotional Intelligence Is Not Fixed at Birth

The most exciting and promising aspect of emotional intelligence is that we are able to change it. In other words, unlike our IQ, we are not stuck with what we are born with. The great news about EQ is that it is not fixed or only developed at a certain stage in life. It has been shown that life experiences can be used to increase EQ and that we can continue to develop our capacity to learn and adapt as we grow older. The EQ realm is one area that does reward us for successfully having gone through stages of our lives.

Chapter Two

The Business Connection

“If you are working for a company that is not enthusiastic, energetic, creative, clever, curious, and just plain fun, you’ve got troubles, serious troubles.”

—Tom Peters, Management Guru

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Up until now, the emotional intelligence movement has been largely driven by business and industry, where leaders have been quick to recognize the benefits of higher emotional intelligence levels in their managers and employees. Simply put, there is a direct connection between an employee’s level of EI and his or her productivity. Being able to effectively work with others in an organization is one of the most sought-after skills in any organization. When employers are asked to name the top skills they look for in employees, people skills always rank at the top. Although technical skills can be taught, it is much more difficult to change someone’s attitude or people-relationship skills.

The challenges facing business today are huge. Studies and statistics show that many companies are a far cry from the ideal type of workplace described by management guru Tom Peters. According to an article in Psychology Today, up to 40 percent of employee turnover is related to stress and up to a million workers per day are off due to problems that can be linked to stress. The estimated cost of this loss of productivity to the U.S. economy is estimated to be close to $200 billion. The Yale School of Management completed a survey that found 24 percent of the working population reported that they were chronically angry at work. With these kinds of realities facing the workplace today, it is little wonder that companies are desperately looking for ways to create healthier, better functioning work environments.

From an employer perspective, the results are no more promising. In Working with Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman reveals the results of a survey of U.S. employers that showed they struggle to find the right type of employees. Forty percent of employees had trouble working with colleagues and less than 20 percent had the work habit and discipline needed for entry-level jobs. Employers increasingly complain about the lack of people skills in the people they hire. Giving younger employees feedback at evaluation time has been a problem, as many seem to view constructive criticism as an attack on them personally and become angry. This problem is not confined to new employees and youth. To become successful in the 1960s and 1970s, it was required that one attend the right schools and obtain good marks. As a result many executives have risen to high positions without having developed good emotional intelligence and find their careers have peaked or even deconstructed.

Emotions in the Workplace

As early as 1935, Australian psychologist Edgar Doll expounded on his theory that emotions motivated and drove us to achieve. They were therefore an important part of our working lives as well as our lives outside of work. Our understanding of emotions at the time was not advanced enough for the world to be ready to hear his pronouncements. It would take decades before Doll’s ideas became widely accepted.

Not that many years ago, it was expected that our emotions had no place in the workplace and that we checked them at the door once we arrived at work. One of the reasons given for excluding women from the workforce was that they were too emotional, which would prevent them from functioning effectively in the workplace. Although that view seems antiquated today, it was only today’s baby boom generation of females who became integrated into the workforce in a major way. The idea that our emotions have no place in the workplace sounds about as obsolete as the idea that smoking has no relationship to cancer. However, many workplaces are uncomfortable with the idea that our emotions are part of who we are and affect everything we do. They seem to still operate under the notion that it is possible to keep emotions outside of work. Success in business basically comes down to our ability to form effective relationships with others. These others include our colleagues, managers, employees, and customers. The companies that are able to form the best relationships, both internally among their employees and externally with customers and suppliers, are the most successful.

I am not sure if Herb Kelleher and the founders of Southwest Airlines had ever heard of Edgar Doll when they struggled against all odds to start a fledgling airline in Texas in 1971. What they knew, however, was what it took to motivate people in the workplace. From the beginning, their belief was that your people give as good as they get. If you genuinely care for your employees, put them before anything else, they will repay you with amazing loyalty and effort. The end result is a highly successful organization.

The Secret to Great Leadership

“Trust men and they will be true to you; treat them greatly and they will show themselves great.”

—Ralph Waldo Emerson, American Essayist, Philosopher, and Poet

Robin Sharma, after presenting to business audiences, is often asked about a statement that he makes indicating that we are all leaders. He replies that one thing that separates the best companies from the rest is the rate at which high-performing companies develop leaders. They develop them faster than everyone else. Although not everyone will lead the entire organization, every single employee is a leader in his or her own sphere of influence.

In these companies, every person on the staff is empowered to act like a leader. They are encouraged to take ownership of their areas of responsibility and raise their performance up to a level of excellence. They see to it that employees are committed to superb service and see change as an opportunity to do things better.

Charles Schwab has the distinction of being one of the first CEOs in business to earn over a million dollars a year as the first president of United States Steel. Although this amount may seem puny by today’s standards, this was back in 1921 when fifty dollars a week was considered to be a good salary.

In his timeless bestseller How to Win Friends & Influence People, Dale Carnegie interviewed Schwab. According to Schwab:

I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement. There is nothing else that kills the ambitions of a person as much as criticism from superiors. I never criticize anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise. That is what Schwab did. But what do average people do? The exact opposite. If they don’t like something, they bawl out their subordinates, but if they do like it, they say nothing. As the old couplet says: “Once I did bad that I hear ever/Twice I did good, but that I hear never.”

I admit, when I first read about Southwest Airlines, I became teary eyed. I believe deep down that we all want to be able to give our all and have dreams of finding an organization that deserves everything that we have to give. In other words, it’s finding an organization that we willingly give everything for because they will give everything for us.

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Excerpted from The Other Kind of Smartby Harvey Deutschendorf Copyright © 2009 by Harvey Deutschendorf. Excerpted by permission of AMACOM. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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