Octave Mirbeau: Two Plays

Business Is Business & Charity

By Richard J. Hand

Intellect Ltd

Copyright © 2012 Intellect Ltd
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-84150-486-5

Contents

Introduction,
Octave Mirbeau: A Theatre Chronology,
Business Is Business, a comedy in three acts (Les Affaires sont les affaires, 1903),
Charity, a comedy in three acts (Le Foyer, 1908),

CHAPTER 1

Octave Mirbeau: A Theatre Chronology

1894

20 December: Vieux ménages (a comedy in one act), Théâtre d’Application.

1897

14 December: Les Mauvais Bergers (a play in five acts), Théâtre de la Renaissance.

1898

14 May: L’Épidémie(a farce in one act), Théâtre Antoine.

1900

29 October: Revival of Vieux ménages (a comedy in one act), Théâtre du Grand-Guignol.

1901

25 May: Les Amants (a comedy in one act), Théâtre du Grand-Guignol.

1902

19 February: Le Portefeuille (a comedy in one act), Théâtre de la Renaissance-Gémier. 2 June: Scrupules (a play in one act), Théâtre du Grand-Guignol.

1903

20 April : Les Affaires sont les affaires (a comedy in three acts), Comédie-Française.

1904

1 February: Interview (a farce in one act), Théâtre du Grand-Guignol.

1908

7 December: Le Foyer (a comedy in three acts), Comédie-Française.

Business Is Business

A Comedy in Three Acts (Les Affaires sont les affaires, 1903)

ISIDORE LECHAT, newspaper owner and businessman, 57
MRS LECHAT, ISIDORE’S wife, 57
GERMAINE LECHAT, ISIDORE’S daughter, 25
MARQUIS OF PORCELLET, 60
XAVIER LECHAT, SON OF ISIDORE, 21
LUCIEN GARRAUD, chemist employed by Isidore, 30
PHINCK, electrical engineer, 35
GRUGGH, electrical engineer, 35
VISCOUNT OF FONTANELLE, intendant of Vauperdu chateau, 64
HEAD GARDENER
MAGISTRATE
TAX INSPECTOR
DOCTOR
YOUNG GARDENER
CAPTAIN
MAGISTRATE
MAGISTRATE’S WIFE
DOCTOR
DOCTOR’S WIFE
TAX INSPECTOR
TAX INSPECTOR’S WIFE
JULIE, a servant
FOOTMAN
SERVANTS

Act 1

The gardens of the Vauperdu chateau.

To the right, a monumental staircase, adorned with golden torches, leads to the chateau which is unseen but lies to the rear of the stage. To one side of the steps is a huge line of rosebushes; on the other side, there are enormous flowery shrubs. To the left, in the background, are the French-style grounds which are enormous and magnificent with flowerbeds, ornamental lakes, delicately trimmed yew trees, marble balustrades and so on. Also on the left, a green marble statue of a sinisterly laughing fawn stands in the overgrown shade of a large tree. The forced regular lines of avenues, sunlit and dusty, can be seen in the distance. Through them, one can see the open plain, the fields and the wooded hillsides. It is a sumptuous backdrop.

When the curtain rises, MRS LECHAT sits, dressed in lace, in a large chair stuffed with cushions. She is knitting, wearing large, round glasses. Within reach of her on the table is her knitting bag. She is a large woman, plump and vulgar, wearing an excess of make-up. To her left is her daughter, GERMAINE, sitting on a garden chaise longue with an open book on her lap. GERMAINE gazes dreamily through the gardens to the countryside beyond. She is twenty-five, with a lithe figure and her eyes passionate yet sad. She is beautiful yet is dressed very simply and neglectfully. Here and there are tables and other wicker furniture. It is the end of a beautiful September day.

Scene One

MRS LECHAT: (Without looking up from her knitting) Germaine? …

GERMAINE: Yes, mother? …

MRS LECHAT: You’re very quiet this evening …

GERMAINE: I obviously have nothing to say.

MRS LECHAT: You’re normally reading something …

GERMAINE: I have nothing to read.

MRS LECHAT: Are you daydreaming? …

GERMAINE: I have nothing to dream about …

MRS LECHAT: Well … what are you doing? …

GERMAINE: Nothing … I’m completely bored …

MRS LECHAT: (Shrugging) Yes … yes … I realize that … Well … listen to me … Maybe this will distract you … What’s the time?

GERMAINE: Six o’clock …

MRS LECHAT: Six o’clock … Already? … Doesn’t time fly! … (A FOOTMAN enters from the hall and comes down steps carrying a letter on a tray) What is it?

FOOTMAN: A telegram, madam.

MRS LECHAT: (Stops knitting) A telegram? … Whoever can have sent me a telegram? … (Confused) It’s funny … Whenever I receive a telegram I get butterflies in my stomach … (She takes the telegram and opens it. The FOOTMAN withdraws) Wait! (Looks at the telegram) It’s from Ostend … It’s your brother … (Reads) ‘Coming for lunch at Vauperdu tomorrow … Xavier’ (To the FOOTMAN) Why are you standing there? … Off you go … (FOOTMAN exits) Tomorrow … A day for racing, Xavier? … (She turns the telegram over and over in her hands) Something’s not right … as usual … (Pause) Anyway … he won’t be coming here out of the goodness of his heart … And I bet he hasn’t paid for the telegram either … (Looks at the telegram) Of course! … I knew it … (Puts the telegram on the table and sighs) Anyway … (Picks up her knitting) What time is it?

GERMAINE: I’ve already told you … six o’clock …

MRS LECHAT: Oh, yes! … Doesn’t time fly! … What about your father? … I’m worried … You know what he’s like, bringing anyone home … What on earth has he gone to Paris for? … Any idea? …

GERMAINE: How on earth would I know?

MRS LECHAT: He might have said something to you …

GERMAINE: I didn’t see him this morning … Besides … my father never tells me anything …

MRS LECHAT: Well, what do you expect? … You always give him the cold shoulder …

GERMAINE: Do you honestly think that at nine o’clock this morning he knew where he’d be at six o’clock this evening? …

MRS LECHAT: That’s true … that’s just like him … (Short silence) The journalists who work on his papers … Heaven knows they don’t bother me … But those five or six strangers he dragged in the other day! He didn’t warn me … And it’s always people I don’t know … And today is Saturday of course … Sunday tomorrow … We’ll be expected to put everyone up for the night and lend them clean nightshirts … Just like last weekend … Oh! What a fine business! (She heaves a long sigh) You see, I thought we’d just have a bite to eat tonight … last night’s leftovers, no more than that … I’m afraid there won’t be enough … (Reacting to a movement by GERMAINE) Yes … Yes … Mock your own home, why don’t you … Ah! You’d be wise not to get married … What a lovely household you’d run … I’d give you two years before being totally ruined … (GERMAINE laughs and relaxes on a chaise longue) I don’t know why you’re laughing … There’s nothing to laugh at, you know, there really isn’t …

GERMAINE: Shall I cry instead? … (She readjusts her hair where a pin came out) That’d suit me better …

MRS LECHAT: It’s impossible to talk to you … seriously … for more than two minutes. (A silence) It’s so annoying that your father never warns me when he’s bringing someone over! … All he’d have to do is telephone … Well … of course not … (She sighs again) Maybe I’d better have one of the chickens killed … just in case … What do you think?

GERMAINE: You know that he always brings someone home … It’s obvious, isn’t it? … You’d better have a dinner ready … (GERMAINE stands up while talking. She walks beside the rosebushes in an obvious state of annoyance)

MRS LECHAT: You get things ready then … You do it! … It’s clear that the burden of running this house is not on your shoulders … And just think … if for some reason he doesn’t drag anyone back with him – after all, that might just happen – what a waste of a chicken … No matter how rich we are … I can’t bear to squander food … Waste fills me with horror …

GERMAINE: The dogs could always have it …

MRS LECHAT: Heavens above! …

GERMAINE: What about the poor people? …

MRS LECHAT: Poor people? … Ah, of course … the poor … don’t think I’ve forgotten them … I have never seen a place with so many poor people as around here … (GERMAINE stops in front of a rosebush to trim off some flowers) It’s obscene …

GERMAINE: Have you ever noticed … how when there’s an extremely rich person … there are always many more extremely poor people living nearby? …

MRS LECHAT: We can’t do anything about it … And that’s no reason to feel obliged to feed them … certainly not with chicken … If they got off their backsides and found a job they’d find themselves a lot less hungry …

GERMAINE: If they worked? … Doing what exactly? …

MRS LECHAT: What do you mean? …

GERMAINE: We’ve taken everything away from them … their fields … their cottages … their gardens … all in the name of my father’s property … Those who could go went as soon as they could …

MRS LECHAT: Didn’t we pay them? …

GERMAINE: Those who stayed … (She crushes an insect against her thumbnail) Got you, you little wretch!

MRS LECHAT: Germaine! Anyway … your father offered them seasonal labour … They declined … They preferred to beg … Well, that’s their business, isn’t it! …

GERMAINE: My father offered them seasonal starvation … They …

MRS LECHAT: (Interrupting) Oh that’s enough! … I should know better than try to have a serious conversation with you … Come on, what is it then?

GERMAINE: Nothing …

MRS LECHAT: Unbelievable … I don’t know where you get such ridiculous ideas in your head … (Vindictive) From Mr Lucien Garraud … no doubt?

GERMAINE: What’s Mr Garraud got to do with anything?

MRS LECHAT: Good God! The man never says a word …

GERMAINE: If Mr Garraud never says a word … how could he have put ideas in my head? …

MRS LECHAT: I look and listen, my girl … People who never say a word … they say more than the loudest chatterbox … Besides … I don’t like the look of him … your dear Mr Garraud …

GERMAINE: ‘Dear’ Mr Garraud? … Why ‘dear’ Mr Garraud …

MRS LECHAT: Good lord! You’re always together … A young lady like you … The daughter of a man who owns an historic estate like this … mixing with one of your father’s employees … almost a servant! …

GERMAINE: That’s right – a servant! …

MRS LECHAT: Almost, I said, almost … Is that decent? It’d be better if he spent a little more time in our distillery making chemical fertilizer … Oh, I’ve no idea where your father dug him up, really I haven’t … A chemist … Him? Don’t make me laugh! … The inventor of chemical fertilizers? (She shakes her head) A swindler more like … Before he came here he hardly had a shirt on his back … Huh! … (Silence. GERMAINE is evidently irritated) From University? … Yes … the University of Life, that is …

GERMAINE: Mother … why are you so beastly?

MRS LECHAT: I’m not beastly … Besides, every word I’ve said is true … When I think of the money we’ve squandered building him a laboratory … it cost an arm and a leg! … Yet for three months now your father hasn’t given me enough money to pay the greengrocer! … It’s too much, it really is! … (She stops knitting and removes her glasses) What time is it?

GERMAINE: Quarter past six …

MRS LECHAT: Doesn’t time fly! … Your father will be home soon … Who will he bring home with him today, I wonder? … The devil knows … Good grief … I don’t know … I won’t kill a chicken … They’ll just have to make do with what we’ve got … Germaine?

GERMAINE: (Irritated) What? …

MRS LECHAT: You need to go into the cellar … we need some wine …

GERMAINE: I’ve already told you … I’m not going down the cellar … You’ve got servants, haven’t you?

MRS LECHAT: Servants who rob me blind, yes I have … Yesterday another five bottles went missing from the middle wine rack … How on earth does it happen when I’m the only one with the key?

GERMAINE: If you only made it clear that you trusted them more maybe they’d steal less? … What do you expect in a house where the only topic of conversation is how to swindle all and sundry! Calm down … they’ve never stolen as much wine as … some people I know … who have earned millions …

MRS LECHAT: (Angry) Germaine! …

GERMAINE: Why are you upset? … I said earned …

MRS LECHAT: I will not let you talk like this … Some of the things you say these days … and your attitude! … Honestly … I cannot understand it! …

GERMAINE: I can … ever since I was old enough to understand it and feel it … When I see everything that goes on here … God knows that …

MRS LECHAT: (Violently interrupting) Shut up! Don’t say another word … (She goes to the table and stuffs the knitting into her basket, angrily) It’s your father, isn’t it? … (Silence while GERMAINE trims off a rose, sits down in the chaise longue and sniffs the flower) Well … for once … tell me …

GERMAINE: (Irritated) Oh, please …

MRS LECHAT: Yes … yes … I want to … Your father is not without his faults … some large faults, admittedly … I am the person who has had to suffer them most and who has done more than anyone to reproach him for them … He is vain … a wastrel … insolent … inconsiderate … a liar … yes, he is a liar … and sometime even a fool … it’s true … He often repudiates what he’s said … He likes to swindle people … Of course … and he does all of this, in the name of business. Really he is an honest man … understand? An honest man … And even if he wasn’t … even if he was at the bottom of the heap … it’d be none of your business … Your father is your father … it is not for you to judge him …

GERMAINE: (Coldly) Who can then?

MRS LECHAT: What did you say? … (A short silence) Yes … that’s right … shrug your shoulders … (Pause) Remember that he owes no one for his fortune … No one … Understand? He made his fortune through hard work … And a little luck … He was in the right place at the right time … I should know … But he is a man of skill and courage … So what if he’s been bankrupt twice … He received his certificates again, didn’t he? So what if he’s been in prison … So what, I say? He was acquitted eventually, wasn’t he? Oh, he’s had his tough times, the poor boy … Other men, lesser men than he, would’ve blown their brains out … Not your father … Every time he’s been down on his luck he’s picked himself up again … And climbed back to the top … He is the founder of a major newspaper … and he himself can hardly write … You see? … If your father was really such a crook … how come he’s friends with a government minister? …

GERMAINE: (Ironically) Surely he’s friends with the entire cabinet …

MRS LECHAT: (Glancing at her daughter) The ‘entire cabinet’ … the cheek of it … Huh! … (Enthusiastically) And what about me, hmm? … With my orderliness … my sense of economy … my advice … I have played my part in securing this fortune which you’re so quick to dismiss … And I am not ashamed to boast about it … Is it because we come from the common people, both me and him? Is it because we were once poor … that this young lady is so ashamed of us today? Have you seen her? A little fool … a little arrogant fool … spending her time judging her parents! …

GERMAINE: It’s just as well I’m judging you …

MRS LECHAT: It’s obscene … You unnatural girl, you … If anyone should hear you … we’d have to lock you away …

GERMAINE: I don’t think it’s decent of you to reproach me for the things you do all the time …

MRS LECHAT: Me? That’s not the same thing …

GERMAINE: Of course not …

MRS LECHAT: I’m lost for words … What is wrong with you today? You want to incite the servants to pillage … It’s unbelievable … Now are you or are you not going to go down the cellar? …

GERMAINE: No …

MRS LECHAT: Very good … (She stands up) I’ll go then … me … I’ll go despite my rheumatism … (With a defiant air) I’ll go despite my rheumatism … you heartless child … (She goes up the steps with difficulty) It’s unbelievable! Ha! You’re wise never to have married … (She stops, turns and leans on the balustrade) What are you doing now? … At least go and get dressed … If everyone comes home now … I don’t want you looking like a scarecrow! … My word … It looks like we don’t give you clothes to wear! … (GERMAINE is silent) Do you hear? … Do you understand? …

GERMAINE: I’m just fine …

MRS LECHAT: (Shrugging) Well … whatever you want … You want to look ridiculous? … It is unbelievable … unbelievable!

MRS LECHAT exits from the terrace and walks towards the mansion. GERMAINE looks across the gardens, the woods, the fields. The HEAD GARDENER enters stage left. He is dressed in his Sunday best.

Scene Two

In front of GERMAINE, the HEAD GARDENER removes his hat and turns it around nervously in his hands. His face is weather beaten and his hands are brown and calloused, deformed by years of hard work. He is timid and his expression is troubled.

HEAD GARDENER: Miss Germaine …

GERMAINE: (Startled by HEAD GARDENER’s appearance) How fine you look today! … Are you going to a wedding, Jules? …

HEAD GARDENER: A wedding? … Oh, Miss Germaine …

GERMAINE: I mean it! … But why do you look so sad? … Why do you seem so awkward? … Come on … Tell me … What is it? …

HEAD GARDENER: You mean … you don’t know, Miss? …

GERMAINE: No … What is it? …

HEAD GARDENER: It makes sense … I said as much to myself … It’s not right that I haven’t seen you, until today of all days … in the garden.

(Continues…)Excerpted from Octave Mirbeau: Two Plays by Richard J. Hand. Copyright © 2012 Intellect Ltd. Excerpted by permission of Intellect Ltd.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.