The Zen of Listening

Mindful Communication in the Age of Distraction

By Rebecca Z. Shafir

Theosophical Publishing House

Copyright © 2003 Rebecca Z. Shafir
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-0-8356-0826-8

Contents

PREFACE TO THE SECOND EDITION,
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS,
INTRODUCTION,
Chapter One CREATING A MINDSET FOR GOOD LISTENING,
Chapter Two How WELL ARE YOU LISTENING NOW?,
Chapter Three AWAKENING YOUR SENSE OF LISTENING,
Chapter Four THE GREAT WALLS OF MISUNDERSTANDING,
Chapter Five WHAT'S THEIR MOVIE?,
Chapter Six MINDFULNESS: LISTENING IN THE MOMENT,
Chapter Seven LISTENING TO OURSELVES, PART 1: OUR RESPONSE IS KEY,
Chapter Eight LISTENING TO OURSELVES, PART 2: THE LISTENER'S PARIAHS,
Chapter Nine LISTENING UNDER STRESS,
Chapter Ten BOOSTING YOUR LISTENING MEMORY,
Chapter Eleven How TO HELP OTHERS LISTEN BETTER,
Chapter Twelve MINDFUL LISTENING IS GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH!,
BIBLIOGRAPHY,

CHAPTER 1

Creating a Mindset for Good Listening

If every time we met with someone and gave them our full and complete attention for four minutes come hell or high water, it could change our lives. —Leonard and Natalie Zunin, The First Four Minutes

Our goal in becoming mindful listeners is to quiet the internal noise to allow the whole message and the messenger to be understood. In addition, when we listen mindfully to others, we help quiet down their internal noise. When they notice that we are totally with them, people feel freer to cut out the layers of pretense to say what's really on their minds. As you read on, you will see mindful listening is a gift not only to yourself, but to others.

It is maddening to think of the knowledge that went in one ear and out the other, the relationships that went sour, or the opportunities missed because we were not better listeners. Over the decades our ability to talk has dramatically surpassed our ability to listen to one another. We can easily give someone a piece of our mind, but we have much difficulty taking in another's point of view. We can talk for hours on a given subject, but most of us can retain only a small fraction of a professor's lecture. Research shows that at least 40 percent of our waking hours are spent listening. Within a few minutes following a discussion, the average listener is able to recall only 25 percent or less of what he heard. As the day goes on, even that percentage diminishes considerably.

In the corporate world, poor listening is responsible for the loss of billions of dollars due to unnecessary mistakes, lost opportunities, and minimal effectiveness. Faulty listening is often responsible for the letter that needs to be retyped time and again, the team that cannot produce results, or the physician who faces a malpractice suit. In our personal lives, low self-esteem, divorce, or family conflicts can be attributed to poor listening skills. If the need to listen better continues to be a recurrent theme in your work and home life, then this book is for you!

The mindful-listening approach is a mindset for connecting with people and information that stands up to the challenges of communicating in the twenty- first century. Look what you can gain:

• more fulfilling family, social, and professional relationships

• increased attention span

• better performance at interviews

• more cooperation from others

• improved productivity

• effective teamwork

• higher grades

• stronger knowledge base

• improved self-confidence

• better negotiation skills

Chances are, you have chosen this book because quick-fix attempts at achieving these personal and professional goals have been unsuccessful. Perhaps someone chose this book for you! Some of the students in my listening classes sign up, not because their listening skills are poor, but because they live or deal regularly with very poor listeners. The reasoning is, if these poor listeners won't change, maybe they can learn ways to get through to them. Even if only one party is at fault, both the poor listener and the speaker suffer, as do the managers and employees, husbands and wives, parents and children. In this book you will learn some ways in which you can be a good example for the other half. If indeed you are the one taking responsibility for improving a relationship by learning to enhance your listening skills, perhaps that incorrigible other may start to sense your desire to understand him better. Exercising fair listening encourages others to give us a turn at presenting our point of view. Often, by being better listeners ourselves, we can accomplish much more than by trying to change others.

Poor listening gets in the way of getting things done effectively. We are frantic to maximize our effectiveness in our daily must-do activities. It is important to spend time with our families, stay in shape, and be productive at work. But instead of achieving fulfillment through these endeavors, frequently just the opposite occurs. Many of us become disconnected from family, friends, and customers. The contradictions abound foremost in the workplace. Company downsizing has forced us to see our customers as mere statistics—a sales call, a medical procedure, a drop-in. "Customer satisfaction is our number one priority," says the boss, "but don't forget to keep the numbers up, be a team player, and maintain quality!" Reconciling these seemingly disparate demands is within your grasp!

It is by unleashing our powers of mindful listening that we can reconnect with others and be efficient as well. By changing our mindset toward listening, every interaction becomes a memorable one, each day an adventure. Best of all, by using our listening abilities to their fullest, we can set an example for others, particularly our children. Think about how much richer their lives will be if they learn the art of mindful listening when they're young.

Many of us were conditioned to think that listening is a passive process, that it is the wiser person who does the talking.

Many learning specialists agree that a great number of children with learning disabilities have not been given adequate examples of good listening in the home. In 1995, the Carnegie Council on Adolescent Development completed a ten-year study that indicated that children are not getting enough interaction with parents or other adults. How can we expect our children to learn when we haven't taught them how to listen? The emphasis on computerized learning has been a boon to education in some respects. However, because of children's overexposure to fast-paced media (TV, video games, and computers) that reduce attention, listening, and concentration skills, educators are finding children more difficult to teach. One of the many challenges facing today's teachers is having to modify their teaching strategies to blend computer use with verbal interaction. Without a balanced approach, children may lose out on the development of interpersonal skills necessary to be successful in life. The personal interactions with teachers and other mentors throughout the years provide the groundwork for learning how to get along with adults other than our parents. In the classroom, students learn the give and take necessary to make and keep friends, how to successfully team up on projects—in short, how to get along with others. To allow technology to...