Clinical psychologist, Dr. Elizabeth Cohen is the CEO and Director of Dr. Elizabeth Cohen and Associates, a group private practice in the heart of New York City serving hundreds of clients a year. The practice is dedicated to teaching, witnessing and encouraging clients to learn, grow, and heal so they can feel mastery in their lives.
Dr. Cohen is the founder of the online divorce course and membership Afterglow: The Light at the Other Side of Divorce. This course teaches women how to thrive not just survive their divorce no matter how difficult the process has been.
Dr. Cohen received her PhD in clinical psychology from Boston University. As part of her graduate training, she treated clients at the world-renowned Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders in Boston, MA.
Dr. Cohen was the recipient of the prestigious American Psychological Foundation Research Award for her doctoral research. Following her time at BU, Dr. Cohen completed her pre-doctoral internship at Bellevue Hospital Center and the New York University Child Study Center.
Dr. Cohen has been featured on the Tamron Hall Show, The Wall Street Journal, NBC News, Women’s Health, Huff Post, Thrive Global, Daily Beast and Good Housekeeping. She is a weekly contributor to Psychology Today with her “Divorce Course” column.
From the book
Growing up I was often in the position of figuring out ways to handle sticky situations. My parents were often overwhelmed by the demands of their lives to help me problem solve. They were plagued by their own internal struggles and did not have mental energy to guide me. I was left to my own resources. I found ways to make things work for me. For example, despite repeatedly telling my mother I did not like the food she prepared for lunch at school she continued to pack it day in and day out. Since she could not hear my request, I found a way to have food that I liked. I simply asked the lunch attendants if I could have school lunch. Despite my not having signed up for this benefit they absolutely gave me lunch along
with a smile every day.
Everyone who knows me would say, “Liz, you always find a way to work things out.” I am a master planner, organizer and strategist.
So, imagine how I felt when I was faced with the deep truth that I could not fix this man. I could not heal his drinking disease. I could not find a way for him to commit to and be in our family in a healthy way.
I did not give up easily though. I tried all the things I could.
I just could not accept that I could not fix this. Truly, that was my mistake. That was what I contributed to the end of our relationship, my resistance to let him and the relationship go.
I did not want to let go. My determination to hold tight became more about me trying to be successful rather than trying to help him. I recall a mentor at the time saying, “figuring it out is not a solution in this situation but, letting go is.” I really did not want to hear that, but somewhere deep inside I knew this to be true.
I could only let go of the relationship when he put one of the children at risk and I found the courage to kick him out.
I felt angry, scared, overwhelmed,broken, unmoored, and shattered. I did not know who I was without my marriage and the life I was leaving behind. I had spent years building that life and in what felt like an instant, it was all over. I could not imagine a future or even the next day. My relationship was excruciatingly painful and I felt somewhere deep inside that it was all my fault.
I would go over and over what I had said the moment before he went out and got drunk. I reviewed how my demands and requests might have been too much. As a therapist I tried to analyze his deep avoidance of his responsibilities and see where I could have done more.
I was tortured with my thoughts. I was walking around the city I live in like a zombie. If you were to see me at the playground with my kids you would have thought I was having a fine time as I had learned over the years married to an alcoholic to pretend, I was ok. Inside I was a mess. I was sad, scared, and ashamed.
One cold winter day in NYC I was pushing the kids in an unwieldy double stroller trying to get around the pedestrians without pissing them off too much. I walked by a store window. I turned to look at my reflection and was stopped in my tracks. There in the corner of the window was a jewelry box with script writing on it in a gorgeous shade of purple. There was something about this object that was so compelling to me. The phrase etched on the box was “just when the caterpillar thought life was over, it became a butterfly.” I felt chills all over my body and began to tear up. I went into the store and bought that box. I did not believe this quote and couldn’t imagine how it would help me, but I knew I had to have a reminder of this possibility around me.
As a problem solver I quickly started looking for solutions. One evening, once our kids had gone to bed (thank goodness) and with two glasses of champagne, another recently divorced girlfriend and I started googling support groups and retreats for divorced women.
We were so desperate for answers and guidance. We felt like starving animals searching for their next meal. We wanted to relieve the pressure of feeling like such failures. We were searching for compassion, support, and skills to handle what was coming. We wanted a community to help us feel less ashamed and less alone. We were hoping for knowledge of what to expect with co-parenting, dating, friends, and our senses of selves.
Believe it or not, we found NOTHING.
We could not find a comprehensive program anywhere!
Given, my problem-solving attitude I got to piecing together a healing program for myself using my clinical knowledge and, honestly, pure willpower.
Wow! eBook
