I Dream of Magda

By Stefan Laszczuk

Allen & Unwin

Copyright © 2008 Stefan Laszczuk
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-74175-501-5
CHAPTER 1

Thank you for watching over me, my androgynous alien friend. Kill anyone but Matthew and Selphie. Think good thoughts.

I’ve already come four times tonight. It’d be something of an achievement if I was actually coming with someone. But I’m not. I’m lying alone in my bed and it’s three in the morning. I don’t know why I keep masturbating. I’m not even horny. I’m just agitated to the point of torture. Stretched out on a posturepedic rack, on a fine line between insomnia and sexual depravity. I’m more than single. I’m a living, breathing, wanking dictionary definition of the word.

I get up. Go to the toilet. Piss against the inside of the bowl. I don’t want to make noise by streaming into the water, in case there’s some sick twisted bastard standing outside my bathroom window in the middle of the night, waiting to hear me piss. Waiting for me to go back to bed and fall asleep so he can creep into my room and watch me sleeping. Fuck him. Let him come in. Let any sick twisted bastard come into my room at night. I’ll kill anyone but Matthew and Selphie.

When I finish pissing I don’t flush. I don’t want to make any noise in case I miss hearing someone jemmy a window open on the other side of the house. I’ll flush in the morning.

I climb back into bed and try to think good thoughts. I put my face on the mattress where Selphie lay last night. I close my eyes and picture the skin on her back and take a deep breath of her smell. It’s my fix. Like a smoker’s morning puff. A sailor’s first real burst of sea air. Good thoughts. I let her memory wash over me. My memories of Selphie are so strong that they are enough to make me temporarily forget she’s gone. Enough to make me temporarily stop worrying about sick twisted bastards standing outside my window. Long enough for me to get to sleep.

* * *

In the morning, I go to the bathroom and flush the toilet. I notice the bathroom mirror is covered with toothpaste stains again. I try to wipe them off but end up just smearing them more. I look at myself behind the smears. There’s a rash creeping up from my neck to my face. I must have had another allergic reaction to something; I don’t know exactly what. I’m allergic to lots of things. I must have really got a dose of something though. This rash isn’t just on my neck and face. It’s on other parts of my body too. Funny how it spreads sometimes, almost symmetrically. Like butterfly markings. On the backs of my upper arms I’ve got two rash circles the size of fifty-cent pieces. I was leaning with my arms folded on the counter at work yesterday and a customer jokingly asked me if they were cigar burns. I said yes, they were. It kind of killed the conversation, but I wasn’t in the mood for one anyway.

I work in a café in a bowling alley. I basically make toasted sandwiches for a living. I’m bloody good at it, but I’d wanna be, with the prices we charge. Like all of our food, the toasted sandwiches are ridiculously overpriced. Light years ahead of the CPI. Normal people rarely fork out for anything more than a cup of Coke. That’s okay with management. They’re aiming at a far more lucrative market: league bowlers. League bowlers are a special breed. Most of them don’t spend enough time in the real world to know what a reasonable price is. And anyway, they don’t really think about how much money they’re handing over. They’re only thinking about their next frame. So you can charge them anything, as long as you smile respectfully when you do it.

Today I end up getting to work ten minutes late. No big deal. It’s Tuesday morning and dead as shit. Usually when it’s like this I hide out in the back kitchen, pretending to do stuff. Smoking. The centre manager, Leonard McGee, is always on the lookout for slack staff. He’s an arsehole, even when he’s not trying to be, which is pretty rare for him. He walks around with a Leonard Athletic brand t-shirt on, one that has the name LEONARD emblazoned across the front. He doesn’t see the funny side of wearing a t-shirt with his name on it. He just seriously likes the look, the sound, the presence of LEONARD. The other thing he likes is getting in my face. ‘George,’ he barks through the kitchen intercom. ‘Georgie m’boy, what are you up to out there? You smoking?’

I press the talk button. ‘No, Leonard,’ I say, and release the button and throw half a cigarette into the sink. It hisses to a quick death, drowns in a tepid liquid graveyard full of food scraps and used teabags.

The customer bell jingles. I nearly fall on my arse as I turn to head for the front counter, but I catch myself on the sink just in time. The tiled kitchen floor is like an ice rink at the moment. The tap on the oil drum fell off yesterday when I was getting fresh stuff to put in the deep fryer. I poured salt everywhere and swept it up, of course, but the floor’s still slippery.

One of the regular league bowlers, Stacey Sutton, is leaning across the multicoloured linoleum moat that surrounds the café service counter. None of the league bowlers ever step on that linoleum when they are wearing their bowling shoes. Just in case there’s a camouflaged sticky mess that will spoil the smooth leather sole on their sliding shoe and send them arse-up on the lane.

Stacey looks annoyed. Probably not bowling well. ‘Small bucket of hot chips and a toasted cheese sandwich, thanks mate.’ She tries to smile, urgently, and hands me ten dollars fifty-five with her right hand, her bowling hand, encased in a steel wrist-support device called The Enforcer. Bowling products all have macho, powerful names: The Hammer, The Terminator, The Destroyer. I take the money from The Enforcer and tell Stacey the food’ll be a few minutes. She nods and pushes herself back from the counter. Struts back to the lanes. She looks pretty in that black bowling skirt of hers. I wonder if she’s got a boyfriend. Probably.

I head out to the freezer. Grab a bag of chips and dump a load in the deep fryer. They sizzle in the fresh oil. They always taste nicer in fresh oil. I put a few extra in for myself and get the toasted cheese sanger underway.

While the food’s cooking I start emptying out my pockets, just for something to do. Most of the stuff I carry around with me you can’t fit into a pocket so there’s not much in there. Keys, a little bit of money, some cigarette butts ’cause I never litter, and a scrunched-up piece of paper. A scrunched-up piece of paper that says they’re taking out our tree. Mine and Selphie’s tree.

It’s a notice from the Yarra council. There’s a list of possible reasons why they’re getting rid of our tree. Reasons like poor/hazardous structural defects, inappropriate species for location, pest/diseased. Each reason has a little box next to it that’s either ticked or not. The reason with the box ticked is dying/dead.

Me and Selphie had our first kiss in this tree. It’s a plane tree — or at least it was one. It used to be covered in leaves but now there are only a few clinging to the branches here and there. The branches look like they’ve given up. Like twisted grey arms thrown up and frozen in a final fucked-up gesture of hopelessness.

There’s a yellow rope that the neighbours tied onto one of the main branches so their kids could climb up and sit on it. One day me and Selph hoisted ourselves up and sat there. We weren’t very high off the ground but we were still on top of the world. It was the first time we kissed, after all. I still look at that tree every morning when I wake up.

When I got the council notice the first thing I did was call Selphie. ‘They’re cutting down our tree,’ I told her.

‘Which tree’s that?’

‘The one outside my balcony. Our first-kiss tree.’

‘Oh … why?’

‘They reckon it might be dead.’

‘Oh … well … maybe it is.’

‘Yeah, I know, but …’

‘Don’t worry too much, George. It’s a nice tree, with some good memories, but at the end of the day, it’s just a tree.’

I asked her whether she wanted to come around and have a commiseratory bottle of wine with me. I didn’t really think she would but she said okay. That’s why she was at my house last night. Even though we’ve been broken up for the last six months.

It was strange, sitting out on the balcony, sharing that bottle of red with Selphie. It was something that, for whatever reason, we never really did much when we were seeing each other — sit down and just chew the fat and drink wine together. Not that we really chewed the fat much last night anyway. She got a phone call halfway through her second glass. She sounded really pleased and excited to hear from whoever it was. I remember the first time she sounded that excited to hear from me.

When she hung up, I asked her who it was.

‘Just a friend.’

‘Oh. Okay.’

I asked whether she wanted to climb the tree once more for old time’s sake.

‘I don’t think so, George. It’s dark. And anyway, I thought you said those branches were dead. They might not hold us anymore.’ She took a big gulp of wine. Big enough to finish off her glass. ‘Plus,’ she said, ‘I’m wearing my new stockings and I have to go out later on.’

‘To meet your friend?’

‘Maybe.’

‘Who is he?’

‘George, don’t. Why don’t you pour me another glass of wine?’

So I did and we sat there and finished the bottle off. Rather quickly. Then Selphie stood up. ‘Well, I’d better go.’

‘Why so soon?’

‘I told you. I’m going out.’

And even though I knew I sounded pathetic, I said it anyway. ‘Selph, I know it’s over with us, but will you lie down with me one more time? For old time’s sake? Just five minutes. I promise. No funny business. I won’t try anything. Just lie with me.’

She gave me a look. One that said she cared about me even though she had other things to do in her life now. It wasn’t the look I craved. The one I used to get from her. The one that said she wanted to be with me, instead of that she felt she had to.

‘All right,’ she said. ‘I can lie down with you for five minutes. If it’s not going to make things harder for you than they already are.’

‘Couldn’t be harder,’ I half-joked. ‘Thanks.’

So we went into the bedroom and we lay down next to each other. Like stiff mummies. I had one eye on the clock and I could see that Selph was checking her watch from time to time. I shut my eyes for a moment and listened to her breathe. Smelt her smell.

‘You look really good tonight,’ I said, with my eyes still shut.

She seemed surprised, and a little guarded — as if I shouldn’t be noticing how she looked anymore. ‘Thanks,’ she said. It was the sort of thank you that you say when someone gives you a present you don’t really like.

With under a minute left, I quickly leant over and put my head on her chest, just under her breast. She tensed up just for a second and then, when she realised I wasn’t trying anything, she relaxed and lifted her hand up to gently stroke my head. ‘Oh, George,’ she said. She knew it was my favourite place in the world. Lying there with my head on her heart. And I guess I just needed to be there one more time before I wasn’t allowed to be there again.

The smell of burning bread catches my nose. I rush to the grill. ‘Fuck.’ The sandwich has had it. Stacey Sutton’s heading back from the lanes.

‘Be another five or so,’ I call to her. ‘Pretty busy.’

She nods and waves acknowledgement and turns around. I chuck out the burnt stuff, wipe down the grill and start again. Like I said before: I’m bloody good at making toasted cheese sandwiches. I’m just better at it when I don’t get distracted by other stuff.

* * *

i’m in a sleeping bag for some reason it’s pulled right up to my armpits and my arms are dangling over the sides it’s a brown furry sleeping bag

i’m a giant caterpillar or something

i don’t know what i’m doing there on the steps in my old house being a giant furry caterpillar and i sure don’t know what she’s doing there with me

hello she says and wipes her nose on her sleeve what’s your name?

my name’s matthew i say matthew harrison

hello matthew harrison she says top of the stairs to you she’s wearing a pair of light blue satin silk pyjamas covered in huge black dots there are two little lace butterfly wings on her back she looks quite spiffy she’s trying to hold a serious face but quite frankly she’s not really pulling it off there’s an unmistakable smile hidden somewhere under that feigned seriousness (a smile so bright it shines through her eyes like beams from a lighthouse)

excuse me … i say … but aren’t you — she nods

— magda szubanski? what are you doing here?

she doesn’t answer just stares back at me still fruitlessly trying to conceal that inner smile of hers

what are you doing here?i say again looking up at her like a lost puppy this is my house

magda stares at me for a moment and then suddenly she loses her serious façade and she lets herself laugh it’s an immediately big hearty magda laugh i don’t know … she laughs i really don’t know at all

i smile because it’s impossible not to smile when magda szubanski laughs then i find myself wanting to chuckle but i hold it back i mean … what the hell are you doing here?i say this is my house! and i put on a look of mock amazement that i imagine she’d enjoy — and she does enjoy — she rocks back on the stairs and laughs even harder i tell you … i don’t know she laughs i really don’t

now then magda i say as my chest tightens with impending guffaws of my own i really want you to tell me … what the hell are you doing here? what the hell are you doing here? in my house of all places … i mean … what the hell?

stop it! she shrieks stop it matthew harrison! i tell you i don’t know what i’m doing here! stop pulling that face please stop it! she’s snorting now and the tears are beginning to run from her eyes

i reach my fingers up to feel my face i can feel how comical it must look how the skin is stretched around my confounded expression how my raised eyebrows and my dropped jaw feel like bookends around the funniest goddamn look of amazement that you ever could see

now i really want to laugh

i let my fingertips gently tickle across my face dance over my cheeks and hover in front of the air puffing out of my mouth as i struggle to contain myself then i put my thumbs to my temples and wiggle my fingers like little antelope horns

what — are — you — doing — here? i say slowly bugging my eyes out as far as i can stretching my mouth as wide as i can with every syllable fighting against the surge of laughter trying to escape my throat

stop it matthew! stop it! she howls stop pulling those faces! she falls back sprawled at the top of the stairs guffawing for all she is worth it’s the sort of laugh that looks like it hurts her whole body is convulsing and she’s exhaling a never-ending spasm of moans and sighs and it almost sounds as if she is crying

* * *

The bells are clanging and the lights are flashing and the boom gates are lowering. I curse myself for stopping at the fish and chip shop. With a hamburger in one hand and a minimum chips in the other and a can of Coke under my arm, I jog half-heartedly towards the station. The banked-up peak-hour traffic stretches out in the lane alongside me. I try to keep chewing while I huff and puff past the line of cars. Out of the corner of my eye I can see a few of the drivers watching me, probably either silently willing me on, or thinking I should give up. Their opinions are irrelevant, though. I know I’m too late already. I know how much flashing-light time you’ve got before that train pulls in. I catch the fucking thing five days a week, sometimes six. I want to stop jogging and take a bite of my hamburger, but I can feel everyone’s eyes on me so I keep the show going for them. Keep it going until I’m only fifteen metres away and the train rumbles through. I’m actually closer than I thought I’d get. If I dropped everything and sprinted now, I’d just about make it. But I’m hungry and, anyway, I can’t be fucked sprinting. I stomp to a halt and put on a suitably disappointed look for the drivers and readjust the Coke under my arm. Weave my way through the stationary traffic and cross to the other side of the road.

There’s only one thing I don’t like about catching the train home, and that’s walking home from the train station. To get home, I take a little dirt path that runs between the train line and the back fences of the adjoining houses. I have to walk past a bastard of a dog who lives behind a big brush fence that runs along a section of the path. It’s a big motherfucker bastard of a dog. It has a bark that comes from the bowels. It begins with a low, throaty, I’m-gonna-kill-you bay for blood, and quickly erupts into a relentless bloodcurdling gnashing of teeth and frenzied howl of protective insanity.

Every time I go past, I slow my pace and walk as quietly as I can. Just for a bit of peace more than anything else. That loud barking made me jump about ten feet in the air the first few times, but these days it’s not particularly scary. I mean, it’s a big fence. I feel pretty safe walking past. I just get annoyed sometimes, like when I’m daydreaming and I forget to walk past quietly and all of a sudden my heart’s in my throat again.

(Continues…)Excerpted from I Dream of Magda by Stefan Laszczuk. Copyright © 2008 Stefan Laszczuk. Excerpted by permission of Allen & Unwin.
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