Dear Celebrity

John Wiley & Sons

Copyright © 2009 Julian Henby
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-9064-6523-0

Chapter One

Flat 12 Burgess Hill 29 November 2006 West Sussex

Sir Jimmy Savile OBE Aylesbury

Dear Sir Jimmy

My brother (Dave) is convinced that he is you! The trigger for this delusion seems to have been his messy divorce last year. Ever since then Dave has been wearing lots of heavy, gold jewellery and a track suit. He never smoked before but he now gets through several luxury cigars each day. He has also taken to an intense regime of jogging each morning which the doctor says is not good for his heart, and the jewellery weighs him down too, straining his joints. He insists that he’s training for a marathon.

Dave has also started talking in a strange voice and makes a silly noise at the beginning of each sentence (which can be infuriating). He also keeps saying, ‘now then, now then, now then, jingle-jangle, jingle-jangle’ which irritates me immensely. Perhaps more worryingly, he has been threatened with the sack from the telephone call centre where he works if he doesn’t ‘snap out of it’.

The psychiatrist can’t seem to help much.

Do you know of anyone else suffering from this affliction (apart from yourself)? If so, what sort of treatment do they require?

Yours truly

Julian Henby

Flat 12 Burgess Hill West Sussex 16 January 2007

Sir Jimmy Savile OBE Aylesbury

Dear Sir Jimmy

Many thanks for kindly sending me a signed photo bearing the note that makes reference to my brother Dave. I am sorry to say that Dave’s condition has deteriorated in recent days and I blame myself.

My grave error was to give him the photo you sent me. My hope was that the picture would force him to face the truth: that he is not Sir Jimmy Savile. Instead, Dave now believes himself to be the mythical ‘Loch Ness Monster’. Over the past few days, Dave has been spending most of his time at the Sussex Yacht Club, snorkelling in the lake and scaring the sailors. Yesterday, he was nearly hit by a motorboat that had to swerve to avoid him, crashing instead into a yacht. Dave was arrested by the police and has now been banned from the Yacht Club premises.

Dave also insists that he is visible only when partially submerged in water. He is seeing the psychiatrist next week and we expect him to be admitted to hospital.

Many thanks for trying to help. It is now clear that Dave requires the full support of a psychiatric team.

Yours truly

Julian Henby

Flat 12 Burgess Hill West Sussex 25 October 2006

Mr Damien Hirst London

Dear Damien

Firstly, let me say that I am a huge fan of your artwork. I particularly enjoyed the piece for which you took three politicians, skinned them alive and placed them in a life-sized replica of the House of Commons. I am sure we would all like to strip away the faade of lies and half-truths behind which these people so often hide.

But, I must get to my point. For many years I have harboured a deep desire to be an artist and express myself through abstract representation. However, my school art teacher once forced me to eat a clay-sculpture I had made, accusing me of banality. The sculpture was of Barry White and it made rather a big meal. Since then I no longer have the stomach to produce anything artistic.

So, last week I made a momentous decision: If I can’t be an artist I will become the art itself! I admire your use of organic materials and I would like to offer you my own bodily organs for use in one of your pieces. I rarely seem to make much use of my toes (especially the smaller ones) so I would be willing to donate two from each foot. Similarly, I could do without two fingers from each hand. In addition, I have calculated that I could lose eight teeth without ruining my smile. One ear could be replaced by a prosthetic (although I require the other one for listening to my Meat Loaf CDs). I would like to preserve my sense of smell, but I could sacrifice one nostril for the sake of art. I agonised over whether to donate an eye, but eventually I decided not to – sorry Damien (you see, I am trying to persuade my fiance Rebecca to live with me again, and she has always liked my eyes). That’s about all I can afford to donate apart from hair, one kidney, bodily fluids and, of course, my appendix.

I imagine you employ your own surgical team. However, I am able to save you this cost because my uncle used to be an orthopaedic surgeon before his license was revoked a few years ago; he has agreed to remove all parts to be donated (but I must send Mother on holiday first so we can use the bathroom).

Please let me know how you wish to obtain the materials – I can either drop them off or post them to you if you prefer. Also, are there any parts you do not want?

I look forward to being included in your exhibition. Please let me know the name of the piece comprising my body parts so I can come and see it.

Yours truly

Julian Henby

Flat 12 Burgess Hill 13 October 2006 West Sussex

Mr Huw Edwards c/o BBC News London W1A 1AA

Dear Mr Edwards

I write to you for help with a very delicate matter. My fiance (Rebecca) and I experienced some difficulties with our relationship in the spring of last year. Things seemed to come to a head when I deliberately started to eat bananas again after many years of abstinence, despite knowing this particular fruit provokes in me a very unpleasant allergic reaction. This was the final straw for Rebecca and she moved out of my flat.

Unable to cope on my own, I tracked Rebecca down to beg her to come home. I dragged a bag of my laundry to where she was living. All my clothes had changed colour in the wash and were ruined. I posted each garment through Rebecca’s letterbox and implored her to come back before my entire wardrobe was devastated!

Unfortunately, the police were summoned and I was arrested. And, to make matters worse, there was a court hearing that resulted in the worst possible ruling: I am not allowed contact of any kind with Rebecca.

I cannot risk further brushes with the law, but I must contact Rebecca before insanity takes hold. I therefore ask for your help.

At the end of a forthcoming edition of the 10 O’Clock (evening) News, please make the following announcement:

‘This is a message for Snugglebunny from Bananabum. I’m sorry and I need you back. I love you. Please phone my mobile.’

Rebecca never misses the 10 O’Clock News and I am confident she will understand the message. Hopefully, the average viewer will not even notice the announcement. Please let me know when the message will be broadcast.

Yours truly

Julian Henby

Flat 12 Burgess Hill West Sussex 3 October 2006

Michael Jackson London EC1M

Dear Michael

I paid an agency quite a lot of money to find your address – I hope you don’t mind. I was surprised when it turned out to be a UK address instead of American, but I suppose a superstar like you probably has houses all over the world.

I am so excited to be in contact with you. I have been following you for the past nine years and I’m a huge fan of your work. I think you’re so talented.

Please could you send me a signed photo of yourself. I’ll be moonwalking all around town when I receive it.

Keep on thrilling us, Michael. You’re the greatest!

Yours truly

Julian Henby

Flat 12 Burgess Hill West Sussex Mr Michael D Jackson Marketing Manager (not singer) London

Dear Michael

Many thanks for your letter of 6 October explaining that you are in fact Michael David Jackson (marketing manager) and not Michael Joseph Jackson (the king of pop).

You said in your letter that you have none of the musical talent of the other Michael Jackson. But, come now Mr Jackson – I’m sure you can bang out a good tune when you think no one is listening. I bet you can even do a Moonwalk (be careful if you try this in the shower because I know from bitter experience that you can slip over and crack your coccyx).

I doubt the agency will refund my money. However, you are quite a close match to Michael J Jackson. Would you consider sending me a signed photo of yourself dressed as the other Michael Jackson and singing along to ‘Billy Jean’? At least then I can honestly say I have a signed photo of Michael Jackson.

Good luck with the marketing management.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours truly

Julian Henby

Flat 12 Burgess Hill West Sussex 15 January 2007

Mr Des O’Connor London

Dear Des O’Connor

I am an enormous fan of yours, especially your music. Indeed, my great admiration for your work has prompted me to set up a new Des O’Connor Appreciation Society, now boasting ten recruits!

This Appreciation Society differs from most others because we intend to take a distinctly direct approach. My belief is that it is imperative to express one’s appreciation directly to the subject, making good use of pomp and showmanship. We have therefore designed a regime of celebrations that we intend to perform on a daily basis (every day except Christmas Days). The regime is as follows:

At 7.00am, members of the Des O’Connor Appreciation Society will begin to march toward your road, accompanied by a brass band. As they march, the band will play the tune to ‘Des Is Great, Des Is Good’ (a song that has been written especially for the Society). The brass band will be led by a group of six cheerleaders carrying a banner bearing the Society’s name. The musical procession will take approximately two hours to make its way through the streets that lead to your road.

At 9.00am, the procession will enter your road. Having reached its destination the band will continue to play, marching on the spot for a further hour. You are encouraged to come to your upstairs window to acknowledge and watch the procession.

At 10.00am, you will be collected at your door by a young female model. You will receive a golden crown before being seated on an ornate wooden throne that will then be lifted aloft by four of our members. The band will resume playing your special song and marching on down the road with you held high – the king of light entertainment. The procession will take the pre-determined route through the town, attracting members of the public to its number all the while.

At 2.00pm, the procession will be approaching your road once again. Your throne will be lowered and your crown removed. A dapper man wearing a bowler hat, bow-tie and white gloves will show you to your door. At this point we bid you farewell until the next morning! The brass band etc. will then continue marching and playing until it reaches the agreed debriefing point some five miles away.

Before starting our services to you we require some vital information. Please let me know your address and when you would like us to start.

Yours truly

Julian Henby

Flat 12 Burgess Hill West Sussex 15 January 2007

Mr Rod Stewart London

Dear Mr Rod Stewart

I am developing a new cologne for older men – a process that is now entering its eighth year. The bulk of my work has revolved around researching the role of the human pheromones that have a major role in an individual’s ability to attract sexual partners.

My research suggests that a small percentage of older men produce a unique pheromone that is highly effective at attracting the younger woman. We have found that this chemical is emitted only by this group of men (all over sixty) and is only effective on younger women (aged 18-25).

However, to be conclusive our research requires a much larger sample of volunteers. We are therefore in search of older men who are known to attract only women in the 18-25 age bracket. The aim is to carry out tests to determine whether these men produce the unique pheromone.

We feel that you are an ideal candidate for this study and we therefore invite you to take part. The process will involve a simple questionnaire and a sample of perspiration. It will take only a few hours and we will pay you for your time.

Please let me know whether you are able to participate and when you would be free.

Yours truly

Julian Henby

Flat 12 Burgess Hill West Sussex 9 October 2006

Mr Brian Blessed London

Dear Brian

You will recall that last Christmas you made an appearance in Brighton’s main shopping mall. I cannot remember whether you were there to recite poetry or something else, I suppose it was something like that. What I do remember quite vividly is that you wore a sheepskin lined red robe (or dressing gown) with a matching hat, and your many fans were lining up to see you.

I was with my nephew when we saw you (my nephew is six). He was very keen to meet you so I took him to the little tent you had erected in the mall. Later, he emerged beaming and holding a small gift you had given him for Christmas. You are a very generous man, Brian, and I thank you for making my nephew’s day.

Do you have any plans to appear at Brighton again? Is it something you do every Christmas? Please let me know – I would love to take my nephew to see you again (I will caution him not to expect another present).

I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours truly

Julian Henby

Flat 12 Burgess Hill West Sussex 24 November 2006

To: Professor Lord Robert M Winston

Dear Professor Winston

I am writing to you because you are a world authority on fertility and highly respected in your field. I have seen many of your television programmes and enjoyed them very much.

My two gerbils (David and Victoria) have been trying for a baby for some time now without success. Of course, they have not told me that they are having problems (they can’t talk), but their behaviour makes this crystal clear. They seem to have some sense of romance because they usually make love when the sun is setting. I also often hear them at it during the night when I am in bed: their running-wheel rattles and their cage knocks against the wall, then I hear David let out a little groan. It is terribly sad for me to hear them trying so hard night after night without success and this is really getting me down.

Recently, I felt so desperate that I decided to try artificial insemination. After a long search on the internet I found some raunchy photos of rodents making love in a variety of settings and outfits. I showed these pictures to David in an attempt to excite him and tried to collect any proceeds in an egg-cup. My plan was to extract the stuff from the cup using a syringe which I would then use to transfer it to Victoria. However, the photos did little for David and there was nothing to collect. Of course, there was no guarantee of success even if the procedure had been completed: I am concerned that David might be firing blanks. A few months ago I was attempting to put him in the cage when he slipped from my hand and caught his nether-regions on a sharp part of the cage. Perhaps this accident has ruined his prospects.

I would very much appreciate your help, Robert. May I bring the gerbils to your clinic for treatment? How much will it cost?

Your truly

Julian Henby

(Continues…)

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