Bringing Up a Challenging Child at Home

‘Jane Gregory’s honest account of her experience as the mother of Chrissy, her daughter who has complex needs including epilepsy, learning difficulties and challenging behaviour, should be on the reading list for every professional in the field. What is so impressive about this account is its author’s ability to follow threads that have connected Chrissy to the rest of her world, and so provide a complete picture. The book not only examines the long journey to a diagnosis and appropriate provision for grandparents, and professionals. While [the book] covers in great detail the difficulties, trials and tribulations that Jane has experienced, it seeks always to balance this with the positives – the joy experienced in the small steps of progress; the relief felt when a professional spends time trying to understand. One of the key messages is that progress is best made when professionals listen to parents, and together they work as a team.’ –National Society of Epilepsy

‘Social workers, psychologists and doctors do need to hear from the frontline about the anger and frustration which parents feel. The book catalogues the faults and failures of services. Frustration and disappointment abound. Doctors fail to give diagnoses, social workers disappoint, teachers and psychologists do their best.’ ‘Jane Gregory takes us through life so far with her daughter: the slow, chilly realisation that she was not developing normally, the refusals by health professionals to take her concerns seriously and the stress of coping with violent, obsessive behaviour whilst caring for two young siblings. Jane shares these experiences and the effect they had on her family candidly in a book full of energy and compassion. Her struggles to find solutions to manage Chrissy’s behaviour and health is full of practical suggestions and information.’ –Community Care

‘Jane Gregory gives a moving personal account of bringing up a child with an undiagnosed disability. Chrissy, Jane’s eldest child, exhibits complex and challenging behaviour, including screaming fits, self-mutilation and violent outbursts. This is an easy-to-read and informative book, giving an insight to readers, into what it is like to bring up a child with complex and challenging behaviour.’ –Share an Idea

I believed Chrissy’s behaviour was unique, or very rare.
Bringing up a challenging, complex child like Chrissy has felt like being lost in the wilderness without a map.

When I discovered that Chrissy had learning difficulties, I assumed the next step would be an appointment with a specialist who would tell us the exact nature of her problems – a diagnosis. I expected to be given some idea what ‘mental age’ she would reach, and what obstacles we might face in future. How wrong we were. I gradually realised that medical professionals had no more idea than I did about how to treat Chrissy’s condition. I felt that Chrissy had been marginalised and I had been treated as an inadequate parent because no one knew what was wrong with her.

I believed Chrissy’s challenging behaviour was unique or, at least, very rare. Now I know that there are many other families like ours living with a much-loved child, whose behaviour is a nightmare to cope with. Our love for our children is unconditional and remains undiminished when confronted with behaviour we find abhorrent. Sometimes that love isn’t enough. Family life becomes a war zone and the child may need to live somewhere else. Unless you have been there, it is hard to understand the wrench of parting with a child in order to function as a family.

Divorce is all too common in families like ours and it is often the mother left coping alone. Ensuing social factors, such as poverty, often contribute to the problem behaviour and compound the parent’s feelings of isolation.

It took us 15 years to gain any semblance of normality to family life, and to understand why Chrissy’s challenging behaviour occurs and how best to deal with it. In my quest for help I did my own research, which then prompted me to write my book and features about other challenging children.

Having Chrissy has taught me about acceptance and unconditional love. I have discovered personal strengths (and weaknesses!) I didn’t know I had. After spending years in the thick of it, I now have the space to appreciate Chrissy as she is. The challenging behaviour is a small price to pay for the other side of the coin – Chrissy’s gentle, graceful side, her sense of fun and the ridiculous, her own unconditional affection, the laughter and pleasure she brings those who meet her, her unique way of seeing the world.

I no longer grieve for the ‘perfect’ child I should have had. Without her disability and challenging behaviour she would not be Chrissy.