The pseudonym for the irreverent and clever Twilight parody series, featuring New Moan and Breaking Yawn.

Breaking Yawn

The Second Book in the Twishite Saga a Parody

By Stephfordy Mayo

Michael O’Mara Books Limited

Copyright © 2011 Stephfordy Mayo
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-84317-549-0
CHAPTER 1

hard times

I pulled the duvet tighter round me and listened to the rain hammer on my window. It had been pouring down for a whole week now. And the week before that too. It had stopped for about eleven minutes last Tuesday, but otherwise Spatula was living up to the boast on the town sign: ‘America’s Rainin’-est City’. I’d gotten used to the damp in the year I’d been living here, and ordinarily I wouldn’t have let a couple of feet of rain stop me from going about my important business. But since graduation at the start of the summer, life in Spatula had gotten quite sleepy, and I had dozed off with it.

Don’t get me wrong – a bit of peace and quiet was a welcome change after all that had happened since I moved here. When I’d arrived, I’d been just another ordinary teenager. Sure, I might have been far more intelligent than my peers, although I wouldn’t dream of bragging about it. And maybe I was rather more jaw-droppingly beautiful than the other girls, with my long dark hair, my unblemished complexion, and eyes as deep and rich as wells of emeralds. But I was modest enough to take that in my stride, just plain old Heffa Lump (not plain in that sense, though. I was gorgeous).

But then I’d met my one true love Teddy Kelledy. At first I’d thought that the pale, sinister, fanged fellow student was just another average kid like me, but after only a few short days, a lot of hints being dropped, and some blindingly obvious demonstrations of his spectacular non-ordinariness, I finally realized the truth. Teddy Kelledy was a vampire. Yes, a vampire. You’ve probably never read about anything like this before, a girl falling for a supernatural creature, but it’s surprisingly common; there are support groups on the Internet and everything.

Anyway, Teddy and I soon realized that we were meant for each other, and nothing could ever keep us apart. Things that attempted to keep us apart included my father, my human friends, my werewolf best friend Joe Cahontas, a gang of murderous goths, an army of zombies and, most recently, our ongoing disagreement about whether or not Teddy was allowed to make me a vampire.

I won’t recap all the details, as that would be a cheap way of padding out the chapter; just believe me when I say that you could have filled a book with all the wild things that had happened to me in the last twelve months! (Author’s note: New Moan: The First Book in the Twishite Saga is available in all good bookstores now.)

So I was enjoying a bit of downtime at last, and life was sweet. My father Chump Lump had given up being a private detective. The mayor had been so grateful to Chump for his efforts in fighting off the massed ranks of the undead that he’d been reappointed to the town police force, and Dad was over the moon to have his old job back. In my experience, Chump couldn’t crack an egg without help, let alone a case, but Spatula wasn’t a crime hotspot like Port D’Angerous. Apart from the occasional blood-drained corpse turning up a couple of times a week, it was mostly routine community stuff. It was great to see him so happy – his good mood made him much easier to borrow money from.

Not that I wanted for much. Teddy’s family was rolling in dough, and he just couldn’t resist spoiling me. CDs by that hot new band that we both liked, romantic meals, and enough new outfits to make Kate Middleton turn attractive with jealousy … my boyfriend was everything a girl could wish for. If only he wasn’